Monday, November 30, 2009

365-31: TJs

Today I am totally grateful for Trader Joe's, especially their tasty holiday treats.

My butt may not be so grateful bit whatever. :-)

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Sunday, November 29, 2009

365-30: Kids

This afternoon I took all three of my kids to Trader Joes, and I didn't even have to! We had fun, it was one of the rare occasions where no one whined or got yelled at. It was just...easy and nice.

I am so, so grateful for my children. Baffled at times as to how I ended up a mom to THREE! I try really hard to be present in the moment with them, and my patience is a work in progress, to be sure. But it was so fun to just be with them, enjoying them.

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Saturday, November 28, 2009

365-29: lazy day

Today involved many things that I like. Among them included:

• Going back to bed after getting up at 5 with DD (that part I didn't like) and sleeping until almost 9!! It's been YEARS since I've slept that late!!
• Drinking tea with real cream. Yum.
• Reading.
• Waffles for breakfast. Leftovers for lunch. And dinner.
• Another nap this afternoon.
• A walk down to the lake with boys, holding hands and chattering away.
• Putting up the tree and actually being able to put my controlfreak self aside and let the kids decorate it.

It's so rare we get these lovely lazy days, and today I am so thankful for it!!

Friday, November 27, 2009

365-28: Forgiveness

I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately, as part of gratitude actually. I'm not sure I can articulate the connection but it does feel like there is one for me. I read a quote from Jasper Fforde's The Eyre Affair that really struck me last night:
"You have a man you love?" asked Rochester suddenly.

"Yes; but there is much bad air between us. He accused my brother of a crime that I thought unfair to lay upon the shoulders of a dead man; my brother never had a chance to defend himself and the evidence was not strong. I find it hard to forgive."

"What is there to forgive?" demanded Rochester. "Ignore forgive and concentrate on living. Life for you is short; far too short to allow small jealousies to infringe on the happiness which can be yours only for the briefest of times."
I am an intensely loyal person, and I'm coming to understand that one thing I hold on to is pain. Not that I really spend much of my day-to-day life in pain anymore, but rather long after everyone else has left the room, I may still be sitting there saying " HURT me."

Today, I am trying to be thankful for the journey I've experienced, as it brought me here, to where I am today and today was a really good day. I had wonderful contact with good friends, I had a fantastic meal with my family (made almost entirely from scratch by husband, by the way, who rocks), I had a lot of energy and go a lot of cleaning and organizing done, and my back was much better. So, like I said, I'm actually really really happy these days, the absolute happiest I've ever been. But thoughts of people I've lost, both dead and alive, to come to me more often than I wish.

This quote seemed really radical to me. Like what if the forgiveness isn't this whole process, what if it's simply letting go. Letting go Not love exactly, but thanks? Obviously, I need to chew on this some more.

In Traveling Mercies by Annie Lamott, at one point she's with a friend who is dying of cancer, and worrying about whether a dress makes her hips look big, and her friend says something along the lines of "You really don't have that kind of time."

It occurs to me that I really don't have that kind of time either. Not for worrying about whether my hips are too big, or whether the people who have hurt me in the past know it, and care. I'm quite sure they don't, actually, and really, what would it change? I'm happy, here and now. I'm pretty lucky, there's very few people from my past that I wouldn't welcome a hello from, and the others, well, I wish them all the best. Time to let go and move on. There's not enough time to be with the people I love here and now, why continue to worry about small jealousies or forgiveness.

This brings to mind a quote I put up on Facebook the other day, which I've also been reaching for lately.
Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Viktor Frankl
And now I have to go lie down because I ate too much pumpkin pie. :)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

365-27: Not Quite What We Planned

So, when we last left it, we were still going to try and make it to my hometown for Thanksgiving. Then, while I was folding laundry, I twisted the wrong way and something in my lower back went SPROING and OW. It wasn't quite as terrible as the thing I did a few months ago but it was Not Good. I wasn't feeling too nauseous anymore but a deep pain took over. I was still thinking and scheming about how we might still be able to go, when my DH took DD's temperature because she felt a bit warm before going to bed...and she was at 101. Armpit.

I gave up. I surrendered. Clearly, the Universe did not want us, my parents (who had been planning to come down here instead) or DH's parents (who had been planning to meet us in VT at my folks' house but got sick and cancelled a couple of days ago) driving this weekend and was willing to keep throwing stuff at us until we said OKAY ALRIGHT I GET IT ALREADY!!! So, we made the final call, and I cried. Pain, I will admit, makes me a bit of a baby. It's not that I can't handle it - I've given birth three times. I did 36 hours of hard labor before I got an epidural, I can handle pain, but it does wear at you and I was just so disappointed. I just really wanted to be home.

So, today, instead of driving and being with family, I've been trying to reintroduce food into my system here. DH took the boys off to the park for a couple of hours and I had a couple of hours to play with DD. We have had a completely low-day: no turkey, no stuffing, no delicious sides, no pie. I had plain noodles for dinner, as did DS2 (just because). The others had sauce too. I've spent a lot of time lying still, and my back is definitely feeling better. I'm hoping that tomorrow my belly will be up for a nice dinner, but if it doesn't happen, that's okay. It can happen Saturday. Or not at all.

I am reminded of those lines from How the Grinch Stole Christmas,

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling
How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages boxes, or bags!
And he puzzled and puzzled, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more."

Maybe Thanksgiving means more than turkey or pie, maybe even more than traveling to be with loved ones that you don't see that often. I think, this year at least, Thanksgiving means basking in that gratitude for all the blessings of my life, enjoying my family and home, and sending out that love into the world.

Knowing how blessed I am makes me want to give back, give more. I'm still not sure how to do it, but it's hard not to feel guilty for all that we have, when so many are hungry, or sad, or alone.

Blessed be, all. Happy Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

365-26: Sleep and Lack Thereof

Well, I'm feeling a skosh more human (okay, it's odd to me that the origin of that is Japanese, when I picked it up in the midwest), so I'll try to be less crabby today.

What I'm really grateful for today is that my problems really are all RPPs*. Not that we're rich, but compared to so many, well, we truly are. Sick kids? We've got good insurance so we can see a doctor easily, and get medicine. I didn't have to choose between getting DD an x-ray and paying my electric bill. I'm grateful for the fact that my health, and that of my family, is generally good. None of us right now are facing cancer, or diabetes, or any of the many conditions that can cause such destruction in people's lives. I'm grateful for my loving marriage, my amazing kids, my life.

I'll be sad if we have to cancel our Thanksgiving plans due to illness, but really, we can celebrate and be together other times, not just now, so it'll be okay.

*Rich People's Problems

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

365-25: no clever title

I got laid out with something nasty: fever, chills, aches, and for an added bonus, nausea!! So, I'm grateful for Motrin. And that my husband could work from home today.

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Sunday, November 22, 2009

And on a knitterly note...

...which I couldn't include in that last post because that was about joy and gratitude and this is about annoyance and frustration. I completely f'ed up the Foliage I'm making. (a) Now that this is as much a gratitude blog as it is a knitting blog, I somehow feel like I shouldn't swear anymore. *heh* (b) The Foliage is for a friend, via the preschool auction (I got permission from the designer to knit it for the auction). I have *no* idea what I did, but on one section, there weren't the YOs needed to separate the leaves, and I was somehow a bunch of stitches short when I hadn't been earlier. WHO KNOWS??? Not me. It's always sad to me how you can rip out 2+ hours of work in about 32 seconds.

I gave up on the hat for now and started Just Enough Ruffles, the scarf that's going to go along with the hat (yes, I got permission from the designer and bought another copy of the pattern). I got the 200 stitches cast on, and about one and a half rows done before I had to go make my family dinner (AGAIN, sheesh, they need to eat EVERY NIGHT). I am trying a slip stitch edge just because I tend to prefer those on scarves.

365-24: A Moment Like This

(No, I'm not an American Idol fan, the song just was running in my head recently.)

We walked to church this morning. Yes, I said church. For those who know us, yes, it's something new in our lives (and probably would take more time to explain than I have space here.) We joined the local Congregational Church recently, and it's close enough to walk. We can walk through the woods down a big hill, up a big hill, down another hill and through a couple of meadows past some dogs and horses, and there we are.

As we were walking in the cool November morning today, DH was behind me, walking with DD (or rather, attempting to keep her from splatting on her face). I had the boys with me, each holding my hand. DS1 was wearing a sparkly cape, DS2 was wearing a tiger costume (he's been a tiger for years, but lately he's been Hobbes). The sun was shining, we were all together (and not even running late) and I just had a moment of pure and intense joy. It's so easy to get caught up in the annoyances, to feel unappreciated or just plain tired, to feel like it's all just so much *work*. I love those moments where I can simply *be* in the moment we're having, I can turn off my worry and impatience and just look at what's around me. I am so grateful that I got to have that moment today with my sons.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

365-23: Yarn.

I auctioned off a handmade scarf and hat set for our little preschool auction, and started the hat tonight. She requested Foliage, so I got permission from the designer to knit it for her. She wanted the same color and yarn I did for mine, so I happily ordered more Malabrigo. This post is going under 365 Gratitude because I am really grateful for the truly gorgeous and luscious yarns that I am so lucky to get to work with! Malabrigo in particular is just delicious, and it's a joy to work with!

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Friday, November 20, 2009

365-22: Welcome to my neighborhood.

I love our neighborhood. We moved out of the city almost two years ago. We had planned to head much further West but reality set in and little things like making a living kept us here in the 'burbs. We actually landed out past the burbs in a rural farm town of 8,000 people. We are living in a townie neighborhood and we love it. No McMansions here! I feel like I have an amazing community of friends and support here, and it feels really good. I had an especially lovely conversation with my neighbor at the bus stop this morning. So today I am feeling grateful that we landed in the right spot for us!

And I am very grateful that my DD slept through the night and isn't that sick.

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Thursday, November 19, 2009

365-21: Modern Medicine

Today I am thankful for antibiotics as my daughter was diagnosed with pneumonia. She's allergic to amoxicillin so I'm glad we have other options.

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Wednesday, November 18, 2009

365-199/20: Am I allowed to combine two posts?

I am a rule follower. I am really good at doing things RIGHT, as long as I know what the RIGHT thing to do is. I'm laughing at myself because I got all anxious about the fact that I missed posting yesterday and was it okay to do TWO posts in one today, and then I thought "Dude, it's MY blog, I can do it however I want to!"

So, we had another really little ugly incident on the bus yesterday - a little girl was mean to my son. Luckily he didn't even notice, and I ratted out the brat mentioned it to the bus driver and she talked to the little girl. I was just *reeling* yesterday. Like I said, I just don't understand people being mean simply for the sake of being mean. Okay, bus girl is just a little kid and we do all make mistakes and act...not from our best selves, sometimes.

And then, today, we found a note from the kid next door that reminded me, as so many things have recently, that there are really wonderful people out there too. Why focus on the ugliness?

And then last night I went out to a knitting group. A new friend invited me to join her circle and this is a really nice group of women, and I just felt really welcomed and god, sometimes it's so great to just hang out with WOMEN. I even started another Noro Silk Garden scarf, though I'm unconvinced that the colorways go together.

So, today I'm feeling thankful for knitting which has given me *so much* in my life. And I'm just feeling generally thankful for good people around me, and feeling so lucky to have so many.

And I'm really REALLY thankful that the Novocaine at the dentist today worked because it took them an hour and 45 minutes to do what needed to be done and it's really sore now. To feel that would have sucked. :)

Monday, November 16, 2009

365-19: Sometimes you're the window...

...Sometimes you're the bug. Or, an alternate title could be - some people just SUCK.

We had a Really Unpleasant Incident this morning, and while it looks likely that it was actually targeted at the boy next door (which isn't any better at all) and not about my kids, it was really upsetting to all of us. My oldest kept saying "How could someone be so mean?" I just don't know, honey. I don't know.

Like most people, I guess, I've got my scars and insecurities, and this just *tweaked* them. And how do you explain to your kids, some people are just mean. Some people are just careless. And the people who are mean to you, or who are careless with your feelings? They are NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. I'd love to learn to live that myself.

The thing is, even though there are mean people, and mean people suck, I honestly believe that most of the people I come in contact with aren't mean. They might be self-involved, but who isn't to some extent? Generally, in my experience, people are pretty nice. And, we are so blessed to have a wide community of friends here and back in the city where we used to live - a community of people who so absolutely don't suck. People who are loyal and kind and loving and who let us be loyal and kind and loving back. So, right now I'm choosing to turn my focus away from the mean folks and back onto the wonderful people in my life (like the friends who offered to Kick Ass if needed!). I am so thankful to have such a wonderful group of supportive people, and I hope I give back as much to them!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

365-18: lots of stuff!

I am having one of those moments where I can't narrow down to one thing. We're on our way home from a lovely, lovely dinner with friends (no I'm not driving!!) so I am full of good food, nice wine and wonderful company. We have a lot in common with K and K, the kids get along really well (our oldest kids went to the wonderful preschool in Cambridge together), and they're just really warm, fun people. So I guess right now I'm so thankful for our friendship with them!

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Saturday, November 14, 2009

365-17: Contentment

I'm sitting here on a rainy day, working on putting a lecture on eating disorders together. A friend who teaches Psychology at a local community college asked me if I wanted to come in and do the class, and I jumped at the chance.

I don't think it's a secret on this blog that I lived with various eating disorders for many, many, many years. Today I am so grateful that I don't live that life anymore. I am recovered, something that for far too many years I never thought I would be able to say. It's a complex and difficult process, and there are so many things that contributed to my healing, too many to list here, so I'll just say that I am so profoundly grateful for my own recovery. I do not take it for granted, as I'm very aware I have another downward spiral in me - I'm not sure I have another recovery. I'd like to think so. Today, though, I am comfortable in my own skin, and have a pretty loving relationship with food and the body I live in. Not perfect, of course, but pretty damn good most of the time. That's a gift that I will *never* take for granted.

Friday, November 13, 2009

365-16: A jug of wine and thou

Okay, maybe just a glass of wine, but tonight I am thankful for my bookclub. :-)

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In the car, waiting for the bus, wearing new socks...

...equals photo op!!! Next time I make ankle socks, I'll do more than 2 plain rows after the heel is turned before starting the ribbing.

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Thursday, November 12, 2009

365-15: Food for Thought

I am not the greatest cook out there. I can cook fairly competently, but unless I have time and space (two things in short order in a life with three kids), it's not something I particularly enjoy. Because of the oddly traditional structure of my life (odd because we are not particularly traditional people), I do most of our cooking, simply because I am the one home. It turns out cooking dinner every night isn't that interesting and it often feels like a chore to me. So tonight, rather than focus on how annoying it is that these people in my family want to eat EVERY NIGHT, I decided to remind myself of how incredibly lucky we are as a family, and how lucky I am as a mother. We have such bounty. We have more, so much more than enough to eat. We have clean drinking water whenever we want it for no effort. We have choices for what we eat. We have some food sensitivities that are easily managed with careful label reading. I don't have to choose between feeding my children and paying the mortgage or the electric bill. I would gladly and immediately give my children the food off my plate should that be required, but it's not. So tonight I am grateful for the wonderful food we have.

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365-14: (A little late.)

Yesterday's post, a little late.

I thought a lot about posting yesterday, it's not that I forgot. I moved from cranky (which is always an overlay) to just sad. There were some triggers, seeing my oldest son have his feelings hurt on two separate occasions, and some other little things. Some is probably being hormotional, and sometimes I'm just sad.

At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, I actually spent time yesterday trying to be grateful for my sadness. It didn't really work, in that my sadness wasn't transformed into joy or anything like that, but it did allow me to step out of it a little. For me (like most people, I suspect), it's really hard to just feel sad, to not try and escape or change it or fix. To just feel it. And, there's a line for me between sitting and experiencing whatever I'm feeling, and wallowing in it. I can't come up with why I'm grateful for feeling so profoundly sad, but I am grateful that I was able to see it and be with it for a bit, rather than doing any one of the many (most unhealthy) things I usually do in order not to feel pain.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

365-13: Cranky but Grateful

Yes, I'm still cranky, sorry. I'd like to be more...I don't know..graceful about weathering this bout of illness but dude, I am a Crabby McCrankypants today. I'll be honest, at this particular moment I'm not feeling all that thankful.

So, let me take a moment and breath. Yes, the kids are sick, I am exhausted, DH is cranky and tired, the house is a mess...but no one is needing surgery to deal with this virus, at the moment they're all fine, we have a lovely home to live in even if it is messy, and even if we're a bit tattered and worn, DH and I are okay.

You know what I'm really grateful for actually? That we have an great public library in my town. I am a HUGE fan of the Library, and every time I've moved, the first thing I do is go get a library card. Back in my pre-kids days, one of my favorite things to do was to go get a big bag of books and hang out and read all day. I was able to be out a bit yesterday and went by the library in part to get more Magic School Bus DVDs (because dude, if I have to watch "Inside Ralphie" one more time, my eyes may start to bleed), and I got some cheesy books for myself. The kids are all asleep, and I'm hanging out reading. I'll be asleep soon, I hope, and maybe DD will sleep through the night, maybe not, but right now, it's calm and peaceful.

Monday, November 09, 2009

365-12: Modern Conveniences

So, here's where we stand. Younger son: sick from Tuesday to Saturday, finally seems better. Due to inordinate amounts of TV watching (something not usually done in this household), he's turned into a bit of a whiny beats. Re-entry is going to be tough. Older son: lower fever Friday and Saturday, no fever in the morning yesterday and today, then hitting 102 both days. No school for him tomorrow as well. Daughter: first sign of fever - TODAY. *sigh* No, really. I thought we were in the clear. I mean, she was using her brother's straw cup last week, she was totally exposed. She had an awful night last night, we'll see how tonight goes. I am doing better today, a bit more energy, not quite so achy, but just exhausted.

So, tonight I am feeling grateful for the modern conveniences with which we are so blessed. (1) Our freezer. Instead of having to create dinner tonight, I pulled some LOs out of the freezer and we had a really nice meal. Of course, only DH and I ate it, but whatever, it was available. (2) The internet. For many reasons (and I'm sure this one will come up again) but mainly because I have a wonderful support community inside the computer. And because I was able to order DS1 some pajamas without having to leave the house.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

FO: More Socks!

No pictures yet on these, I'm still coping with flu and I'm tired and need to go to bed, maybe tomorrow.

But, these are another pair of toe-up, non-pattern socks.

Yarn: Socks That Rock (lightweight, I am pretty sure), Grandma's Flower Garden
Needles: KP Fixed Circs, 32", 2.5 mm

For these, I cast-on 32 stitches using Judy's Magic Cast-On, and increase 4 stitches every other row for 7 rounds, when it seemed like they'd be big enough. Then I knit until they seemed long enough, and did a double-wrapped, short-row heel. Then I knit two rounds, did 7 rounds of 1x1 ribbing and bound off using EZ's Sewn Bind-Off. I made ankle socks because this was leftover yarn from Branching Out (which I must block and will then post about but I'm scared because I've never blocked anything like lace before and what if I totally screw it up??) so I knew I'd be cutting it a bit close. And I sure did...I had about 1 yard of yarn left at the end. Thank goodness I had enough to finish!!

365-11: Thanks, mom!

Today I am feeling grateful for both of my moms. No, my mother isn't a lesbian (though if she were, she'd make a good one, she's very competent at all she tries, my mum), I'm including my mother-in-law here as well. Most people I know don't really love their MILs. Some *really* don't get along with them, some just tolerate them, but very very few people I know have the relationship with their MIL that I have with mine. I guess the fact that my MIL was in the delivery room with me all three times, and cut the cord for my second son really says it all. And I am also very very close with my mom (she was also with me, and cut my daughter's cord, who was named after her) - we talk often, and I really rely on her. I always appreciate it but I'm feeling particularly grateful because in the next 4-5 weeks, I actually have two semi-professional things coming up (a guest lecture and a training), and I've asked for help, and it's been freely and graciously offered to me. I'm really lucky that I not only love my parents and my ILs, but I also really like them, and really enjoy having them in my life. And I'm really grateful for that today.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

365-10: in sickness and in health

There are far too many things that I love about my husband to post here, but one of the most important things is that our partnership is truly that, a partnership. Some things we just do (I do most of the shopping, he does most of the yard work); some things we do together (housework) and dome things we trade off. We bolster each other up, when one is not okay, the other steps in. I feel like crap today and he's done so much. It's not like he's "helping" me or "babysitting", he's parenting and I know I can rely on him to step up when I can't, and that's just such a blessing. I feel like a lot of women I know accept things from their husbands that are just...not good. I am so lucky with my love. Not to mention, he's smart, funny, quirky, kind, and sexy too! ;-)

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Friday, November 06, 2009

And because I don't want to lose sight of the Knitting...

I actually DID some knitting!

I got some more done on a sock. And I finished the first part of my sister's Swallowtail! I've moved onto the Lily of the Valley edging! WOO HOO!

365-9: Ugh

I've felt like the last week I've been noticing so many wonderful things and each time I've come to post this series, I've thought "how do I choose? Life is so great! I have so many things to be grateful for!" That's not precisely how I'm feeling right now. Both boys are sick (so DS2 is on Day 4 of a 102 fever, DS1 was around 101 this afternoon). I can't tell if I'm actually feeling unwell, or just hyperfocused on every little twinge, and I'm obsessively checking DD's temperature too because I am really worried about her getting this. We've not confirmed that it's H1N1, but it seems to make the most sense that it is, given that that's what's going around like gangbusters. So one blessing is that I guess it makes the question of getting the H1N1 vaccinne moot.

But anyway, I haven't left the house since Monday, I've completely fallen off the exercise and eat right wagon I was on, DH was gone for a couple of days and got back late last night, I got almost no sleep between the kids and him getting in, and WAH, I am just cranky.

Which is probably why gratitude matters even more in this moment.

The thing I keep thinking today is that in fact, so much of what I'm cranky about are really First World Problems. I'm cranky 'cuz the internet is slow, or because we've watched the same goddamn Magic School Bus episodes over and over because we *only* have two DVDs. I'm cranky because my husband, who has a secure and stable job, was away for a couple of days.

I think what I want to remind myself here is that so many of these things are such LUXURIES. Even if we do have the dreaded Swine Flu, yeah, we're sick but it's not that bad. DD's stint in the hospital with dehydration from the stomach flu last March was much worse. Hey! There's another bonus! No one's barfing.

So, thanks 365 Gratitude, for reminding me what really matters.

365-8: Motrin

Whoops, I didn't get to post this yesterday, so I'll post two today.

Very thankful for Motrin which brought DS2's fever down and clearly helped him feel better.

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Wednesday, November 04, 2009

365-7: Friends and Neighbors

So, it looks like DS2 has the flu of some sort - high fever, cough and congestion, generally cranky and achy. His fever has been bouncing around, but has hit 103.8 today, which is high. He's not a fever-producer be default as some kids are, and while at times he seemed better, at times he seemed really sick today.

I am feeling very, very grateful for the support system we have here. We moved here almost two years ago, and in that time we've made some really wonderful friends. I still feel like we're in the early days of our life here, if that makes sense, but it's so comforting to know that we have people we can call on if we need them. One friend went to the grocery store and picked up a couple of things for us today, and we've had many other offers of help of that sort, which is really nice. It sucks to be housebound, but I think it would suck even more if we had to go out, knowing how sick he is. This is all especially helpful because my husband is out of town on one of his very rare business trips, and won't be back until Friday.

Needless to say, I'm not getting any knitting done.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

365-6: Being at Home

Today I am extremely grateful for the fact that I am a stay-at-home mom. There are aspects of it that aren't fun, there are aspects of it that are glorious. One thing I am appreciating today is that when someone gets sick, there's no stress of having to figure out who's not going to work, or canceling clients, or anything like that. It's just clear - I cancel whatever obligations we have, and we stay home. DH doesn't have to worry about it, and neither do I.

This came in handy when DS2 started the morning by running a fever and throwing up.

Monday, November 02, 2009

365-5: No Sleep

So, last night, my daughter woke up at 2:00 am. This had nothing to do with the time change, I think, but lately she's just been having trouble sleeping. This time, unfortunately, she didn't go back to sleep at all. For a long time (a couple of hours at least), she was fine as long as I was with her. She wanted to be held at first, so I did hold her, and then she was willing to go back to bed. She lay there quietly with her eyes open, just looking at me. Even though I was *quite* irritated to be awake in the middle of the night for a long period, I tried to put that aside and just be present in the moment with her. She's our third, and last child, headed towards 18 months and no longer a baby at all. She's incredibly independent and active, so even though she's really affectionate, I don't get a lot of the cuddle-time anymore that I got when she was tiny. I realized that even though I was exhausted and really wanted to sleep, I was also so grateful to have that time with her, in the dark and the still night, listening to the boys breathing and just holding her, feeling her clinging to me in absolute love and trust.

I am so thankful, so incredibly grateful for my beautiful daughter, more than words can express. I am so profoundly grateful for the love she holds for me, and the love I hold for her - so much love, it doesn't feel like my body can quite contain it. How did I get so lucky?

Justice is when you get what you deserve.
Mercy is when you don't get what you deserve.
Grace is when you get what you don't deserve.
- Author Unknown

Sunday, November 01, 2009

365-4: Memory Foam

Today I am especially grateful for my comfy bed, where I will be heading soon.

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