I feel like I keep getting the message from the universe that not only is it not selfish to want to follow my dreams, it is, in fact, the way to peace, joy and happiness. I see people around me changing their lives, taking big risks, daring to fail. I've been in a rut, and going back to work a year ago really shook me out of that rut, and showed me some really big things, like how important work is to me.
It's also showed me that I'm not sure the work I do is the work that brings me joy.
*whew* That is really hard to say.
It's not that I don't love doing therapy, I actually really do. But it's hard. I've had a client in serious trouble for a while now, and I don't think I realized how hard and stressful it's been. To admit that I'm not sure this is the right path for me, after all the years, money, and work to get here...well, I feel a bit foolish. Hmm, totally idiotic might be the better phrase. I've really got the dream job in many ways - I have a tiny bit of collegial interaction (you don't get much in my field), I have someone else doing all the grunt work: phone calls, scheduling, billing, insurance, after-hours crisis coverage...and yet...and yet...
In part, some of it is that I have a very demanding child. Yes, I know, all kids are demanding, and while I won't claim that he's the most difficult kid out there, he's highly intense and requires a LOT of emotional work, and it's tiring.
DH and I got an amazing opportunity to go away together for a week, just the two of us, back to the place we honeymooned. Not only is it completely gorgeous and a place just to relax and let others take care of you, we also got a chance to really talk. It gave me some time and space to explore a bit how I'm feeling about work, and all this stuff. And I realized that while I love, and maybe more important, value the work I do, there's not a lot of joy involved. It's draining. When DH asked me what I would do if I could do anything I wanted, I had an immediate answer: I'd be a part-time photographer (a natural light family portrait artist), a part-time yoga instructor and a part-time massage therapist. It will take a while to reach these dreams, and I may learn along the way that these are not actually the paths I want to walk (remember the Childbirth Educator thing?), but I have decided to explore it. So, I'll keep you all posted!
It's not, perhaps, a coincidence that I got out my camera again. My main lens is broken, but my 50 mm 1.4 prime still works!!
P.S. I'm also knitting something. :)