Sunday, September 18, 2011

Welcome to Fall

Both my husband and I have colds.  UGH.  I feel like this may just be it for the school year.  I think we're actually going to get flu shots this year, since we didn't get them last year, and then a bunch of us got the flu (though I was told that A LOT of people go the flu who actually got the shot but whatever).  We had a good winter last year, though apparently I complained a LOT when we all did get sick as I had people saying to me in the spring "Yeah, you guys had such a rough winter!"  We really didn't, we only had a two week period where everyone had strep and the flu. Which is as fun as it sounds.

I have nothing crafty to report.  So I'll ramble about other things.

As we drove to church this morning, my DH said to me, "Am I exceptionally unanxious?" to which I replied, "I think you're regularly UNanxious in an exceptionally anxious family."  I know I've talked about it before, but I've struggled with profound anxiety most of my life, and it's just exhausting.  What's funny is this was today's Collect (we go to an Episcopal church so we do stuff like Collects of the Day):

Grant us, Lord, not to be anxious about earthly things, but to love things heavenly; and even now, while we are placed among things that are passing away, to hold fast to those that shall endure; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

Now, I'll be the first to acknowledge that I've got a LOT of ambivalence about the Christian church.  We go, in large part, because it's how I was raised, we're looking for community, and we want to give our kids roots (the same roots we rebelled against, I suppose).  But it's funny, sometimes I get *exactly* what I need.  

I've heard it said that depression is about the past, and anxiety is about the future, which resonates for me,  I've been dealing with anxiety lately, mainly in the form of having a brain that Will Not Turn Off, so I'm spending a lot of time worrying - worrying about working, worrying about my kids, my husband, the economy, the future.  Interestingly enough, the readings and sermon today sang to the part of me that is so drawn to Buddhism, and the idea that letting go of attachment to outcome, letting go of the notion that I can control everything, or anything, and letting life settle into where it needs to be, that THIS is my path.  I love the concept in Buddhism that wisdom and compassion are like the wings of the bird; without both, the bird cannot fly.  Wisdom, or Right View, is seeing things as they are, "touching reality deeply" (Thich Naht Hanh).

September always seems to me to be a time of new beginnings (all those years of schooling, I suppose!).  I have always been a planner, someone who likes to think ahead. I guess the message I got today was, don't worry so much. Don't work so hard to control everything.  It's not just that it's going to BE okay, but it actually is okay.  If you can let go, and trust - God, the universe, whatever your concept is - you can relinquish that need for control and suffer a bit less.  And it will be okay.


gloria p said...

Thanks, L. I needed to read that today. Prone to depression and anxiety, I need to be reminded often to "let it go." Your entry did that, reminded me that my world will not come to an end if I stop worrying about it. Yes, get your flu shots.

roye said...
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