So, hey.

Not that I'm sure if I have any readers left...it's been a crazy bunch of months.  I finally went on ADHD meds, we finished Oldest Son's neuropsych and got some very good, useful (painful) information and found a great therapist to work with, and it's changed things for the better SO MUCH.

I'm sewing a dress for myself.  I can already tell it's not going to fit.  Grr.

I want to be knitting and crafting more, but I'm in the midst of a pretty massive transformational process...and I'm blogging it here.

I've also been doing some slightly more professional photography work this summer, exploring this for myself.  I realized that my fantasy of shooting every week is not possible unless I hire a babysitter for the time I need for photo editing, which is not cost effective at what I'm currently charging.  I realized a couple of things - I'm not entirely sure I want to turn my "art" (for lack of a better word, my passion) into something I do for money, on a deadline.  Still pondering this. And, what I really want to do is go spend a  chunk of time with people, take a gazillion photos, put a book together for them on my own timeline, and have them pay me for it.  I don't love the posed photo thing.  So, um, not sure if I can turn that into something but we'll see.

:-)

It's what I can do...

It's been an interesting week - with some real high spots and some very difficult spots as well.  I have two friends going through two very difficult and painful experiences.  It's hard to love people and know they're hurting.  I want to help and it turns out that something I can do to help is...knit for them.

I've been so disconnected from my knitting.  I'm working on leg warmers for DS2 (the 7 year old) - he dances ballet and tap, and is actually dancing in a regional touring company of the Nutcracker and wants leg warmers.  I have one done (green, of course) and one about 1/3 done.  It's been fun, I haven't knit in SO long, and it's lovely to reconnect with it.

I had an interesting short coaching session with this woman (obviously in part a marketing thing, which was fine as I may end up buying what she's selling) and she made a point that's REALLY been making me think about my choices - the difference between "self" time and "off" time.  What I seem to go to for "self" time - the computer - is really "off" time, zone-out time.  I realized that I'm not entirely sure what IS self-time for me, and it occurred to me - clearly photography is, both the process of taking pictures but also the editing, but knitting is too.

So, back to my friends - I'm knitting one friend a hat, and another will get a scarf, and both will probably get more of these items as we're looking at...well, not a marathon I think, but way more than a sprint to health for both of them.  I can't heal them, I can't fix things for them, I can't make it better, but I can, with my own two hands, create something for them that is not only beautiful, but also tangibly helpful.  And, in the process, I can start to regenerate my own self a bit.

Northeast Mayhem

We were very lucky in Massachusetts.  We're far enough inland, and high enough that we had no flooding.  I think in our neighborhood, pretty much all the trees and limbs that were at risk had already come down in the last few years (the ice storm of 2008, Irene, The Halloween Blizzard).  We were only out of power for 20 hours (which shows you how much my perspective has changed, that that's really not bad), we had lots of wind and rain but other than that, it was okay.  My heart breaks for the communities in NJ and NY and other places that were so devastated.  Is this the new normal?  We're going to get through the winter and in the Spring we're getting a generator, probably a stand-by.  We need something that can power the fridge and freezers, the septic pump up and possibly the furnace.

In other news...well, looks like my son is going to be dancing in the touring company of the local Nutcracker.  We hadn't planned to have him do so, but they emailed us today that they need him.  :)  I'm a bit freaked out, it may change our plans for Thanksgiving, and it's a big commitment but I think we can make it work.

I cannot believe it's already November!  I'm not getting any crafting done at the moment.  I've stalled on all the purging right now. I'm trying to get motivated for tomorrow - my oldest will be home sick and my youngest doesn't have school, so we can't go anywhere, so I want to really get the playroom worked on, so I can set up my new desk and then buy my new computer!!  I'll let you all (all 3 of you, haha!) know how it goes!!

Wind out of my sails...

I was going to call this derailed, but it's not that, not really.  It's been a really hard week.  I've continued to go to work, take care of kids, etc., but I've been really down this week.  In part, it's that time of year for me.  I tend to get very depressed in October, and the fact that it didn't hit me until now this year is actually progress.  There been a few things that have knocked me off my center, and I'm taking things way, way too hard right now.  At least I have enough insight to know that, and I'm working hard on just sitting lightly in my feelings, not hooking in too deep, not giving too much power to them.  I'm reminding myself - depression lies, all the time.  My sister was supposed to visit me next week to have a fun halloween, but due to STORMAGGEDON 2012, she most likely won't make it.  So.  I'm a bit nervous, I'm going to head to the store tomorrow to make sure we have milk, lemonade and wine, because what else really do you need to weather a storm?

One very cool thing - I've met a really neat person who's helping with me with my website for the photography.  I'm not quite ready to unveil it, but we'll get there.   I did do a bunch of picking up today, and mopped the downstairs, so I'm not just sitting on my butt being sad...that's good, I guess.

These are the times where I just get so frustrated with my brain and feel like it's just...broken.  There is no reason at all for me to feel this way, my life is wonderful and I am truly blessed.  Stupid brain.

Saturday Night Round Up

So, in the last week and a half, I've gotten a lot done, though there's TONS more to do.  The house is in that state of purging/decluttering where there is crap EVERYWHERE and it's crazy-making, to be sure.

So, the book folks came and took 12 boxes of books and a bag of clothes.  My parents came to visit and amidst the chaos that is our weekend, we got stuff done. I got DH's dresser set up, and the costume bin/bench put together.  On Saturday morning, DH and my mom got the Expedit put together.  Saturday afternoon, I got going.  Over the rest of the day, I went through most of my yarn, and got 2 big kitchen garbage bags ready to donate.  I also got 2 big bags of fabric to go.  I had *6 bags* of trash and a ton of recycling.  I also worked myself up into a righteous asthma attack.  At this point, all yarn and cloth is consolidated, and fits (barely) into the allotted bins.  I have 2 plastic tubs, 1 drawer and a ratty old cardboard box left to go through, consolidate, purge, etc.  And then the craft stuff is DONE!  I swear, I'm so excited!  I have a small desk next to the storage with my sewing machines on it, so I can actually have them out and usable!  ALL THE TIME.  I have a bin of WIP that I'm going to ruthlessly purge - there's stuff that's never going to get done, so it needs to get frogged.  It feels so good to know it's in progress.

In terms of "the business," I took some steps there too.  I bought my website, though there's nothing there yet, and *deep breath* I did my first shoot!  My big fear has been, what's it going to be like shooting people I don't know, and the answer is...I had a blast!  I think they did too.  We literally did the shoot in 6 minutes - the weather was gorgeous on Saturday, but they were wiped out from travel and weren't up for it.  The weather was terrible all day Sunday until I came out of the local ballet production I'd taken 2 of my kids to, and  IT WAS SUNNY!  I called them up, ran home, grabbed my camera, and brought them into the sun and we ended up getting a bunch of good shots!  It was a huge confidence boost and again made me think...This is what I want.

And, as I keep reminding myself - what's the worst that can happen?  I'll try, and it'll fail as a business.  :)

Making Progress

Room is painted and I am SO thrilled with it!  I love the color, it looks so clean and crisp and nice, AND it makes the room feel so much more like me!  I'm surrounded by brown in this house, and it's just not my color.  It was such fun!  And we have our Ikea trip on Friday, which should also be a blast! It's a crazy weekend, so hopefully I will get my organizing done.

I got the book pick-up scheduled, and I'm sending off a bunch of clothes too.

I'm also moving forward on other things.  I got my EIN from the IRS, and I got my business permit from the town, and opened a business bank account today.  Next step is to get the office space set up, which involves MORE CLEANING, purging, sorting and organizing.  I'm also thinking of getting a screen to set up to divide the office space from the play space.

I've been taking a photography class, and I'm signed up for the next one as well, and I'm very excited about that!  I've gotten some positive feedback (though in general the teacher is very very enthusiastic about the shots the students take), and this week's assignment is portraits, so obviously I'm thrilled!  I'm actually doing a portrait session for my friend's parents on Saturday, which should be really fun (yikes and is also terrifying, what if I completely screw it up?!?).  I think the biggest thing this class has done is gotten back into shooting manually, and it's taught me SO much about my camera!  The teacher is very funny, and definitely A Personality.

I have a friend who's going to do my website and logo for me, and I set up a FB page (though I've been too chicken to invite anyone to it).

So, I've been processing a lot about all this, and had some good insights yesterday. I think I realized that I am, in fact, a Myers-Briggs introvert. People who know me may be going "Whaaa?" but really, it's true.  Yes, I'm very social and outgoing, and I do really like people, but the older I get, the more I find social interactions tiring and the more I crave alone time.  Now, maybe I'm really just an X, balanced between the two, but I think that understanding my need for down-time is important.  I had a hard time this weekend with DH away for 4 days, and being non-stop parent was not easy.  In addition, we have, well, not the most mellow of kids (I know! So weird!  Where DO they get it?!?).  But yeah, intensity abounds in our family.  That's a good thing, in many ways, but it has made me really start questioning the fit for me on my chosen profession.  Finding work that allows me a balance between interacting with people and being alone sounds really lovely.  Now, I'm not doing anything rash, quitting my job or anything, but I'm realizing just how vigilant I really need to be to protect my energy level, and that eventually, I think not doing this work is the right thing for me.

So yeah, it's all good and feels like things are really in motion right now.

Moving On and Letting Go

I won't even apologize for my silence this time!  I want to be blogging more, but words have been fewer for me, which is weird.  Until recently.

So, I've made a decision - I am going to try my hand at the photography business thing.  I realized - what is the absolute worst thing that can happen?  It's not just failing - God knows, I've failed in my life, but it's people knowing that I reached for a dream and didn't succeed.  And really?  That's the worst thing??  That's not only not bad, it's very livable for me.  And the funny thing, once I made the decision to DO this, I've gotten momentum on a whole bunch of other projects.

The big one is really trying to make our home *work* for me.  I go crazy sometimes because I feel like there's no space here that's JUST mine.  I share my bed, my bathroom, my room, my whole house.  So, in deciding to actually try and build a business, I need a dedicated space in which to conduct that business.  So, it turns out, the first step on that path is...cleaning my room. :)  No, really!

Our house is contemporary cape, meaning we have our master BR on the 1st floor, off the big open living space, and there are two ginormous rooms upstairs.  One has all the kids in it, the other is a combination office-play-room-dumping ground.  I had clutter all over my room, so this week, I really worked hard and got it cleaned up.  DH did his dressers too.  There's still STUFF of course, I have a bunch of stuff to donate, but it's all organized.  Next step - PAINT THE ROOM!  It's an antique linen right now, and I want it sage green.  I have an awesome friend who's going to help me do that. Next step - IKEA!  I'm getting an Expedit to organize and contain all my craft stuff.  It will have the desk, so I'll have somewhere to set up my sewing machines!  Part of consolidation is PURGING.  If it doesn't fit in the space I have allocated, it has to go.   I will finally have a place for all of MY stuff!

So, today, DH and I dealt with the books...we had 11 bankers boxes of books in storage plus way way too many out.  So we purged!  I have 3 boxes to go back to my sister, 13 to be donated, a big bag of recycling and a big box of trash.  This is something I've been "meaning" to do for...about 5 years now.  It feels, actually, like a really big deal.  I got rid of pretty much all of my eating disorder books. I got rid of almost all of my text books, pretty much all of my never-used self-help books, lots of junk.  

Getting rid of books is a really big deal for me.  Now, I have many, many books that are like old friends for me, they're comfort.  I kept some books that I may likely never read again, but that changed my life. We still have PLENTY of books, don't get me wrong, it's just the old and outdated that I'm finally letting go!  As I was sorting, I said to DH, "it feels sort of like I'm letting go of my identity as a psychologist."  It feels like I am shedding so much weight from the past, in order to make room for the new!