It's really Fall now.

We had Back To School night for our first grader, our first experience of this. Our oldest was *wired*, which was sort of good, in that it gave his teacher a chance to see his more...energetic self, shall we say. It's weird weather, hot and muggy and rainy. Hopefully tomorrow will dry out a bit so we can have soccer practice.

I met a couple of women at my bookclub this month who are knitters! It almost got me inspired to pick up needles...almost. What is my problem? :) I have been sewing. I just put together 4 pairs of fleece socks for myself. I have another cut out for me, and 5 pairs for a friend's son, who wants fun socks. Then I've got requests from some other friends. I have another hat for my daughter, and I need to do some mittens for her as well. Lots of projects.

I want to get re-inspired with my knitting. I think I'm not in a sock mood, which is mainly what I have on needles - that and lace shawls. What would be a good reconnecting project??

Here we go.

I just spent a bunch of time writing a post, all about pain and sadness and blah blah blah. I decided to delete it because I am just bored with it. For some reason this morning a bunch of stuff from the past kept cropping up in my mind. Memories of past losses, relationships that ended, professional disappointments, friendships lost.

Just like I spent too much time pre-suffering pain that hasn't even (and probably won't) come to me, I have historically spent way too much time in the past. Not to say that it's not a necessary part of healing and growth, but rather it's just something I do too much. There can be a fine line between processing and wallowing, and man, do I love a good wallow.

So, instead of trying to come up with some sort of profound insight that's really just a cliche (love's worth it! everyone has pain!), I am going to go DO something. I've got an unexpected chunk of time - my boys are in school ALL DAY today, both of them, and my daughter is sleeping the blessed nap. I think I'm going to go make some fleece socks.

And I'll just say on the gratitude front, today I am profoundly grateful for the health of my children. And little Karlee, I'm holding you in my heart, sweetie.

And a new year starts.

Like so many, especially those of us who spent a few extra years (okay, 8, but who's counting) in graduate school, the beginning of September really feels like the "new year." I know, it's still 2010, but it's a new school year! We start very late, tomorrow is the boys' first day of school. DS1 is *7* today, which I can't quite believe! How did this happen? 7 feels like a big one, like he's really making the transition from little kid to BIG kid. He's clearly had another cognitive leap of late, and having conversations with him is just markedly different than it was a few months ago. Because he's a September birthday, he's just starting 1st grade (our cut-off is Aug. 31), which is so good for him. I'm hopeful he'll have a good year. He loved Kindergarten and had a really successful year. I think (and hope!) 1st grade will be more challenging for him, and we're going to be working with the school to ensure that he gets the challenges he needs. DS2 is heading off to Kindergarten! This is just so bittersweet to me! He's my little love, he's such a snuggler and would happily be no more than a 1/2" away from me at all times if he had that option! I'm going to miss him. He'll be doing 2 full days and 3 half days, so he's not really gone quite yet, not the way DS1 will be.

We've had 24 hours of emotional highs and lows and highs again. We had a little party for Labor Day and invited 3 other families over. It was a *great* time, for me at least, and every one else seemed to have fun as well! There were 8 adult and 10 kids, ranging in age from 2 to 10. The kids all did great together, the adults all get along really well, it was fun. I feel like we turned a corner with DD this summer, now that she's 2. She's finally sleeping through the night, and she's so independent and social that I give her a tremendous amount of freedom. Freedom I sure wouldn't have given my oldest! I remember being with other moms when he was this age (of course, I had a 5 month old as well, which none of them did, which set me apart), and we all hovered so much! I've really changed as a mom, I'm much more relaxed. I'm still me, of course, which precludes actual relaxation, but I'm much better than I used to be!

The low happened when we didn't realize that the kids had left the slider out the basement open, and our escape artist cat got out and was just gone. We live right next to woods...with coyotes....that have been known to eat cats. I just panicked. DH is better at being in the moment and not presuffering too much, but I just freaked. Not simply because I love the little bugger and he's part of the family, but the kids *adore* him as well. And imagine, losing your lovely kitty on your birthday? I couldn't bear the thought of it. I was up most of the night, just out of my mind and sick with worry. He *did* turn up the morning. DH went out around 5:30 and found him under the porch, clearly freaked but fine. Thank you, to whatever benevolent power in the Universe heard my cries and guided him back to us.

So, today, I'm feeling utterly grateful that our sweet kitty came back. And I'm really really glad that school is starting tomorrow!

I've got some sewing projects on the brain. I'm going to do another round of fleece socks for my Internets, and I've got an idea for some fleece toys as well. So, after I get the boys on the bus, and DD and I go do her gymnastics, I think we'll hit Jo-Ann and see what they have in the way of fleece. I can't believe we're headed back into sock season!!!

I hear the drizzle of the rain...

DS1 woke us up with a new milestone - barfing (not in his bed, even) and then coming down to tell us about it. :( Poor kid. I am 99% sure that it's simply that he ate a metric ton of crap at a birthday party yesterday but just to be on the safe side, I am quarantining all of us. It's going about as well as you'd expect cooping up three active kids on a rainy day to go.

I actually got something done today - I'm working on tools to help us be more organized when school starts, and I've put together task lists for the boys and me, of all the things to be accomplished. With both boys in school 5 days a week, I have a fantasy that I might actually be able to keep a bit more on target with some house cleaning. I am going to print them out and put them in plastic sleeves (or laminate them), and have them at the bottom of the stairs. I'm also going to institute evening routines that involve things like locating shoes and coats and backpacks and whatnot, so that we can perhaps be a bit less frenzied in the morning. Wish me luck!!

The girlie is down for a nap, boys are playing a bit on the iPhone...maybe I should go knit?!

I actually started knitting today.

For some reason I'm just feeling so disconnected from the creative part of my soul, so I haven't been doing anything! I was on a big sewing kick, but it turns out the my daughter HATES dresses, so the cute little dresses I made forher are unworn. She's pretty funny about it, but very very adamant. It's a good thing she's darn cute, or I don't know what I'd do!

In other news, we took our big "vacation" which involved go to my home in VT for 6 days. Every time we go there, I leave thinking of how much I want to move back there. I do like our little town here, but honestly, the Boston 'burbs wasn't ever really my dream. We are so profoundly lucky to have a wonderful house in a town we really like, and it doesn't feel like a suburb much at all, it's really very rural. But still, if we had a way to make a living in my hometown, I'd take it. I'm less excited about living in a suburb of Burlington, for example, I think I'd take our town here over that. Anyway, it's all a dream. We had a great visit, and took the kids to the county fair, and the boys got to ride a bunch of rides this year! They had a *blast*, and so did the grown ups! Baby girl slept through a bunch of it. (I know, not a baby anymore, but still MY baby.) My oldest even rode a little roller coaster all by himself! I can't believe how big he's getting. Off to first grade, and turning SEVEN, in just a couple of weeks. We've got a school friend party planned for next week, and I think we may have a neighborhood party over Labor Day weekend as well.

Oh! Yes! Knitting! So, it was a lovely rainy day today, perfect for lounging around and doing not much of anything. I cast on and knit, oh, a good three rows of Monkey Sock #2. Perhaps I've actually get another pair of socks finished?? Part of me wants to ditch all my projects and just start something new, but more of me wants to FINISH some things so I can actually feel okay about starting something new. I think the responsible part of me may win this battle.

Fall is coming!

It's hard to believe. I like the end of summer, starting a new school year. Having been a student or connected to a university for much of my life, it always feel like a fresh start, the fall. We had DS2's practice bus ride today. I was stunned, he went off easily with friends, though clearly after the fact he was pretty freaked out. Poor guy, he takes after me in his dislike of change. It's hard, having them growing up and moving away from me. The issues get more complex, more challenging the older they get - I can't fathom what it'll be like when they're teenagers!!

We are just back from our vacation. We went to my hometown this year, and stayed with my folks, which was really fun. I really wish I could move back there. I love my hometown, and I think it'd be a great place to raise kids! If we could sell our house and my husband could find a decent job, we could even afford it! Almost. It's a total pipedream, and I love our house and home and life here too...

I'm not crafting at all. I even took knitting with me and not only did I not do any, I didn't even go to the yarn store!! *gasp* What's wrong with me??

There's lots of stuff I want to be doing, but finding the energy and time is not easy right now. I'm not sure why, it's not like we're doing all that much else at the moment!

Anyway...

Starting over with gratitude....there's so much to be grateful for, but today I'll be grateful for my friends' babysitter, who made off with both my boys to play with their friends, all day! The baby girl and I had a fun day together! Even if she didn't nap.

Poor blog!!

How long has it been? You'd think with the fact that I could update from my phone, I'd be better about it, but that's not the case!



Project Dishcloth continues! Turns out I can only crochet in the round, hence all these pretty round cloths. I'm having much fun with it, and starting to use them. If nothing else, it simply makes me happy to use something I've made with my own two hands. :-)

In about 2 hours, I'll be doing the swim leg of our local triathlon. I'm quite excited, as I didn't think it was going to work out this year, but two weeks ago, a friend put out the call for someone to swim for her, so I am! I love swimming and it's a fun event. :-)

We're having a busy summer, mostly good stuff. There's some stressful stuff too, nothing huge, just some issues with one of my kids. It's nothing that can't be sorted, but it's always hard to see your child struggling.

I keep saying I want to get back to project Gratitude, as I actually think about it every day! Today I'm grateful for the chance to have fun and swim this race!!


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Project Dishcloth is begun!

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Summer is here!

Whee!!!

We've been super-busy here at KWAP, surviving the end of the school year. DS1 is moving on to 1st grade, DS2 will be starting *gasp*Kindergarten! And DD may head off to preschool a bit early next winter, we'll see.

After school ended, we headed up to VT to visit my folks for a few days, which was really fun. At this point I'm quite comfortable doing the drive alone with the kids. DH didn't come with me, he didn't have the time off from work (it was last minute trip) and it was his father's day gift, to be home alone without kids. :) Since we came back, we've started getting into the summer groove: beach and friends. I'm building some reading and housework into the schedule too, and as soon as my friend gets back from RI, I'm getting her baby jogger and I'm going to start the boys running a bit.

I just had an inspiration for a craft project as well. I have a *ton* of kitchen cotton and I want to make a whole bunch of dish cloths, so I can ditch the sponges. I think that has been a plan before, and I did make a bunch but my mom decided she liked them so I gave them all to her. I am going to start off with some crochet, just to get in the groove. We'll see how it goes, I'm tired of sponges that smell like swamp.

Knitting Night

I have a couple of different knitting groups put here, one at the library and one with some women in my neighborhood. Tonight my neighboorhood group is going for ice cream!!! Yum!! I am psyched! Especially since I'm not in a knitting mood. I sewed a dress and shorts for my daughter yesterday. I'd love to get good enough that I could sew for myself.






And in other news, I found a church that I'm sort of psyched about. We bagged the fancy church in the wealthy city two towns over. We're just not similar to the people there. We're financially comfortable but we're both not people who are at all into wealth, and I felt like the people who are in our life situation there are much more...I don't know, rich than we are. And they weren't friendly. So I checked out the church in the city two towns north of us. It's much smaller but had a *big* population of young kids, was very low-key in terms of presentation (though still Episcopal), and they kneel, which oddly enough, I like. :-) I'm going away this weekend, but I'll go back next weekend to hear the priest speak, and to suss out the friendliness factor. The priest already has encouraged me to bring the kids, it's cool if they're not perfectly behaved. So, we'll see. It had a nice feel to it.

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Cupcakes and Updates

In the interest of actually putting a post up here, I'm going to forego looking up the right number. It's a busy time of year, with some bittersweet moments. My younger son turned 5 and "graduated" preschool. I've always felt a bit scornful of the whole notion of graduating from preschool, until I went through it with my oldest. We're blessed to be able to have me at home with the kids, and to have flexibility in our preschool choice, in that we don't need the childcare. So we've chosen small cooperative nursery schools, where we've been very involved. Moving from that to public school, even a small and very warm'n'fuzzy elementary school like we have, is a big change. My younger son is a very sweet and sensitive kid, and he does not like transitions, so I've got a few worries about how this all will go.

I can't believe I'm going to have a 1st grader as well!! I continue to be so glad that he's one of the oldest kids in the class, I think it's so good for him. I'm looking forward to the summer break. I've also been reading some interesting books on homework, and may be taking on the school system. We'll see. :-)

In knitting news, on Plurk, I mentioned I had a cupcake, and a friend wanted one, so I made her one. :-)


In bigger news, I finished and blocked my sister's Swallowtail!



I've got better pictures on the computer, and if I ever have a moment, I'll post them. I am so thrilled of how it came out! It's big, and so pretty and cozy, and she loves it!

My problem is that I am bored with everything I have on needles but I really need to finish more things before I start anything new. I'll need more socks in the fall. You know, as I write this, it's making me think: why do I feel this way? I had *such* fun knitting the cupcake, and it gave me such a spark, you know? It's not like I knit for a living, and if I'm feeling guilty over a hobby, that's ridiculous. This is about joy, not drudgery.


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Blocking.

One of the things I really appreciate (which, you will note, is different from enjoy) about knitting is how often it gives me the opportunity to go beyond my comfort zone. I am blocking a shawl for the first time; it's a gift for my sister (just in time for summer, huzzah!).

It's a gorgeous day out so I'm going to pin it out on the back deck. Hopefully it'll dry pretty quickly.

Blocking is one of those skills that seem so mysterious and, well, skillful to me. *Real* knitters block.

Wish me luck!!

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365-89: working to get back into this.

Today didn't go quite as I had planned. The school nurse called me to say that DS1 was not feeling well and wanted to go home. Since I was on my way to the ped for DS2 and DD's WCVs, I swung by and picked him up. Turns out he has strep. Turns out all the rest of us do too.

So, tomorrow is a quarantine day. There'll be WAY more TV than usual (as our usual is none), I bought a new Playmobil thing, we've got lots of new birthday presents to play with...it's supposed to be rainy. I'm trying to reframe it by thinking that this perhaps explains a lot of the whining we've been having, and YAY for antibiotics. DH and I are on penicillin, DD is on azithromax and the boys are on Amox. I had to do the Mommy walk of shame, i.e., calling people and saying "sorry I exposed your kid to strep."Hopefully I'll be forgiven.

My big hope is that this will explain why I've not been sleeping, and once I'm feeling better, that'll clear up.

365-88: Time Flies

I'm really having trouble blogging these days, both about knitting and about gratitude. Why is that, I wonder. I'm not knitting at all at the moment. I need to bind off my sock but I finished it at library knitting. I have blocked Swallowtail yet, I'm scared too. I keep looking at yarn but I've got a stash, more than enough, so there's nothing I need.

It's not that I'm not feeling grateful, I am-though I think reconnecting to it on a daily basis would be good. In part, I'm feeling like I've not got much interesting to say. Life is sort of just rolling along. We're winding down the school year. DH is working too much and I'm not sleeping well, so we're good but tired. Sometimes I feel like my life is a bit small these days, you know?

So in the spirit of reconnecting to my gratitude, today I am grateful for:

• Motrin that works on my migraines;
• The beautiful Spring weather;
• Playdates that go smoothly!


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Location:Great Rd,Littleton,United States

365-87: Hello, My Neglected Friend!

So I wonder how many years it's going to take me to get through my 365?? :-)

I have so much to be grateful for. It's spring!! I got a weekend away and then took the kids away, both great trips. I have been knitting! I finished my sister's Swallowtail, just need to block it. I turned to the heel on an in-progress sock and I'm psyched to finish it. We got a swingset which is a huge hit. I'm feeling great about my family, blessed in my friends, and especially happy about the delicious moon pie I had tonight. Maybe I'll even get some sleep tonight??



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365-86: It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...

It's days like today that make me absolutely LOVE New England. It's low 60s, not humid, glorious blue skies with little white clouds...just heavenly. Even better, I Got Stuff Done this morning, including a trip to the LYS when it occurred to me that all I really NEED are blocking pins, so ordering $50 worth of stuff from KP to get the free shipping didn't really make sense. When I got to preschool pickup, DD was *sound* asleep and I knew that if I woke her up to take her in, that would be it for nap today. We've got a long afternoon so she needs a nap. I asked my friend to bring DS2 out, and when she did, she invited him over for a play date. Nap survived the transfer, and I had about 20 minutes to myself before DS1 got off the bus. He's eating and playing downstairs, I'm getting somethings done for the weekend and then we'll get some good one-on-one time. Even more exciting, the playset is being delivered tomorrow! This afternoon we've got Karate and Soccer (too bad they can't be combined, karatesoccer sounds like it'd be really cool), and we're having pizza for dinner. All in all, I can't complain.

I'm grateful for Spring today, for the sun and the air and the flowers. I'm even grateful for the bees, although they make me nervous. I love seeing all the things we've planted coming up in the garden.

365-85: You can't always get what you want...

I like Mondays this school year. Oldest son is in K for the full day, so he's gone 8:30-3:30. Younger son has preschool 9-1. DD and I go to the chiropractor and tend to run errands. Today we had our friend G with us, whose mom had to go have some follow up tests. Amazingly for such small girls, they really love each other and get along well! G headed home around 11, and I came home from the preschool pickup with an extra boy for DS2. They had a fantastic time running around outside and grubbing around in the dirt while DD napped. It was a nice day.

I'm doing my typical over-thinking/over-analyzing thing around this whole church issue. I've been having some really good conversations, especially with DH. He said something really thought-provoking about how we can't recreate our own childhoods, and I realized that to a certain extant that is what I want, and that this is just not going to happen. Okay, pretty much all that follows is purely for my own pondering so you've been warned!

So, we visited the church in the next town over (I'll call this church GS). During the sermon, the priest stated that she has been asked to resign and during the coffee hour, a long-term parishioner said to me "The church is in turmoil right now." Hmm. That's...a bit disturbing. Now, one friend reminded me that the more on the inside of things you are, the more crises you see, but that it doesn't make a difference really to people who are showing up for worship. I've been looking at a church the next town over in the other direction (SM). So the GS church is 3.6 miles from us, and under a 1o minute drive. The CCOL was about 1.6 miles from us, and a 5 minute drive. The SM church is 5.4 miles from us and about a 15 minute drive. The gentleman I spoke to was very nice but there are a couple of things that concern me. They have about 60 active members, and they don't have a full-time rector because they can't afford one. My gut reaction of distress and resistance based on this info highlighted for me that I think part of what I'm looking for is a larger community. The GS church, for example, has no high school kids involved. The CCOL has a pretty active HSYG and kids teaching Sunday School.

If we're willing to go further, there are other options. Two towns over to the east is a church that sounds very large - they've got a Rector, associate Rector, many priest associates, a 40-person choir, etc. Is it too big for us? It's also in a town that's very very wealthy, and we're not (unless you count us globally then we are). We're not really country club upper-crust kind of people. It's also far, 10.5 miles and 20ish minutes. This is fine for Sundays but if we do things like join the choir, is it too far? Two towns to the north of us is a church that also sounds pretty big and vibrant. It's 9 miles, 14 minutes.

Obviously what we need to do is go out and check these places out. See how it feels to drive there. See how it feels to be there. I'm struggling with figuring out how to meet my own needs but not at the expense of my husband's needs.

Since I did use the 365 title on this, let me ponder what I'm grateful for. I guess I'm grateful to be part of a process around this stuff. I feel like it's been pushing DH and I to have some really good and intimate conversations, as we struggle to figure out what we want and needs - as individuals and as a family. I'm grateful to have a husband who's right in there with me. I'm grateful to have so many options as well.

365-84: Spring!!

It's fully spring here, which in New England seems to mean alternating 60s with close to 90 yesterday! There are many things I'm feeling grateful for right now. In no particular order:

• my garden. I'm a total neophyte gardener, but the fact that things are coming just delights me! I'm giving up on tomatos this year and I'm going for lots and lots if basil.
• Thursdays: my oldest is in full day today, and the other two are home. It's just nice to hang out and not HAVE to rush off. We are heading out in a bit to run errands but the timing can be flexible.
• Swingset: it's coming a week from today and they set it up!!!
• Knock wood, it looks like the kids are finally all sleeping better! Maybe we'll get my daughter to sleep through the night more than two nights in a row (which she's never done...yes, she's almost two).

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365-83: I know it's cliched...

But there's something about being on the receiving end of love from a toddler that's just remarkably lovely. My daughter came into bed with me this morning and snuggled in, whispering occasionally "Mama...Mama..." She's getting so big and independent, we're all about MY DO IT these days, so I just cherish these moments where I am her world. So much of parenting is teaching your kids how not to need you, how to let you go, and so often all I want to do is hold on.

I've been having so much fun with my little girl, we spent a while yesterday just sitting in the sun, soaking up the gorgeous Spring day, and laughing. I see my oldest off at Kindergarten, building a life outside our home, and my younger son set to head off in September. I try every day to find these moments of joy. It's not always easy, or doable, and I often forget. Days like yesterday remind me, all things change and flow, so be present in all the joy that's all around us.

And now I need to go clean up the animal crackers that my beautiful girl just dumped all over the floor. :-)


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365-82: Extra Kids

We're at the stage with the boys (6.5 and almost 5) that having an extra kid or two around actually makes it less work for me.

We send our kids to a coop nursery school. We've only done coops, they're a good fit for a family. The in-class work, though, can get challenging when you're juggling other kids. Today was my day to be in the class, so here's how the day went. Get up, do yoga, do all the morning stuff, get DS1 on the bus. Bundle DS2 and DD in the car. Drive to friend's house. Drop off DD, pick up their son. Remember it's a lunch day and I forgot to pack a lunch. Friend offers snacks and I accept. Take the boys to school. Spend the morning in the classroom. Friend drops DD off at 11:45, and she and I go home. Feed her, get DS1 off the bus at 12:25 (early release today), give him some food, go back to school and pick up Ds2 and friend. Come here, get DD down for nap. Boys are playing, somewhat harmoniously. Do some chores. Things get less harmoniously, separate DS1 out for a bit. Now I need to wake up DD, get all kids back into the car, go drop of friend then go to karate. We'll be home around 5, and it's occurring to me that I've forgotten to plan dinner. *eyeroll* All this work is really interfering with my bon-bon eating and story-watching. Because isn't that all stay-at-home-moms do? :)

So, today I am grateful that this play-date has gone relatively smoothly, so I've gotten some time to catch up on a couple of tasks that I've had hanging over me.