Happy New Year (almost!)

I am still "on vacation" with my in-laws. As most parents of young children know, going away with your small kids isn't actually a vacation really, it's more just a change of location. That's not a bad thing necessarily, but it's not sitting on a beach with a margarita either. :)

I've been doing a ton of knitting! I finished BIL's hat and it fit him, and as far as I can tell, he likes it! SIL seems pleased that he has a hat that actually fits him (he does have a fairly large noggin). I then knit a Stella's Hat for myself in some gorgeous Malabrigo, emerald. It's lovely, but then of course, I promptly went out and bought a new coat (yay for sales!) in an entirely different green. It doesn't match AT ALL. So today I also bought some Malabrigo chunky in an olive green that does coordinate with the new coat very nicely. I'm thinking of a really simple winter hat.

I also got some Noro Silk Garden for the ubiquitous 1x1 rib striped scarf that everyone's going. I've been dying to make this, and I got enough for two scarves. The first is for a friend who's fiance just passed away. It's so sad, and she's such an amazing person, and I just want to wrap her up in warmth, you know? So I'm working on that, and really enjoying it.

I did about 3 rows on my second sock-in-progress, before I got distracted. I've totally got my knitter ADD going on right now.

I haven't disappeared. We've been utterly swamped, what with the ice storm and no power for 4 days, and then we got dumped on with about 2 feet of snow, and there was this small holiday we had some work to do for as well. Life, it sure does get in the way of knitting and blogging. :)

You know, I never appreciated how much work went into Christmas until the last couple of years, when my kids have gotten old enough to get it. I think it was really last year (when my oldest was 4), that I really understood that if we want to have family traditions like a Christmas feast, and presents, and a lovely brunch, and stockings and all that stuff, someone has to DO it. So, we did. I often feel like I'm pretending to be a grown up, and this was one of those occasions. It was all lovely, and the kids had a really great time, but dude, I am tired.

Anyway, I'm off to my in-laws for a week tomorrow, hoping to get some fun knitting in. I've got my BIL's hat to finish (I'm scared it's going to be too small AGAIN), and then some fun things for me to knit for ME. I'll get pictures of all the gift hats up when I return. And maybe some WIP pictures too.

Back in Business

Thursday afternoon of last week, it was pouring rain. This turned to a bit of snow, then to ice. We were awakened by a sound at around 2:30 am or so Friday morning. "Was that lightening?" I asked my husband, very confused. No, no, it was the transformer exploding. The power went out. We spent the rest of the night listening to the sound of trees and branches falling (did I mention that we now live right next to conservation woods?), as the house got colder and colder. In the morning, the trees were still coated with ice, and every few seconds another branch would go. I went out on the front porch and witnessed a large branch come down in our driveway, which thankfully missed the car. We ended up spending the next 3 nights a wonderful friend's house in a suburb that wasn't hammered by the ice storm, and just got power back last night. I'm feeling very discombobulated and off my schedule.

When we figured out we were getting power back on Friday, it was late enough that the sun was going down and my husband was encouraging me to leave before the wet roads turned to black ice. I threw some things together and headed off. Thankfully, I already had a knitting bag packed, so I tossed some more projects in (because, you know, when you're hanging out with five kids under the age 5.5, including two infants, you have SO much time for knitting). I did end up getting my dad's hat finished.

I pulled out my sister's cable hat, it just wasn't doing it for me and it was too small. I'm now planning on Stella's Hat. I started it once but didn't trust the pattern, so I cast on 88 stitches, which turned out to be HUGE. So I restated with 80 stitches. I started Magic Loop, but even though I didn't twist my stitches in the join, I somehow kerfuffled my cable so the thing got twisted, so I pulled it out. I did two rows on straight needles then switched to round. It's funny, in doing these hats, I've rediscovered my love of my Denise kit. It had fallen into disfavor when my sexy KnitPick Options set showed up, but I've found the love, since KP doesn't have a 16" cable for the Options set. (At least they didn't the last time I looked.) So, I'm working on this hat too, hoping to get it done soon so I can send these off to Vermont.

I'm planning a couple of felted hats for myself, but have no idea how one would block them. Any suggestions?

So, what does this say about me?

Yesterday was my birthday, and it was a lovely day. Filled with both my ADLs ("activities of daily living", in group home speak), and with what felt like an outpouring of happy energy to me, and some wonderful gifts. I am amused that my parents gave me money specifically to spend on yarn. Yes, they know me well...I am also amused that I am thinking about blowing the whole thing at The Loopy Ewe, in sock yarn. Because, you know, I don't have enough??? I just love sock yarn. Especially hand dyed sock yarn. I don't knit enough socks...but they have some brands I want to try!

The Gift of Time and other Thoughts

My darling husband gave me an hour and a half to myself this morning. :) And told me I was absolutely NOT to clean the house (which needs it, especially because we're having 3 families over for dinner tomorrow night!!). I headed off to Starbucks and knit for a while. I did another 2 pattern repeats for Branching Out, and I'm just really liking how it looks. I then did some more work on my sister's cabled hat. I went down a size for needles because she (and I) have small yet long heads. Unfortunately, no gauge was provided with the pattern, so I'm not sure how big it was supposed to be. I'm concerned that it's going to be too small. I'd like to think I should trust my intuition, but honestly, it's not all that good. I almost always have some sort of nagging concerns about my projects, and sometimes they're utterly justified and sometimes they're just completely baseless. I guess it shows me how much I have still to learn about this craft. I'd love to get this thing done soon, but I am not sure how much time I'll have tomorrow to work on it. The color is so pretty and the yarn is SO lovely and soft!

My Fickle, Fickle Heart

So, the problem with the way my life works is that I have all these children, and, well, they take up a lot of my time. So I both don't get to knit as much as I'd like, and I only get to really do my blogging in the evening, at which point I'm dead tired. I'd love to post more pictures, I think knitting blogs without pictures aren't actually all that interesting, but to get the energy to take the pictures (at which I sort of suck, anyway), get them from the camera, cropped and scaled down, and up into a blog post is often beyond me these days. And to get them loaded onto Flickr so I can rav them? Apparently that's just not happening.

But, all that aside. I have a new love, and that love is...Malabrigo. My sister requested a hat, so I thought I'd find something soft. I found a cool pattern that I think will look really pretty. I can't find the ball band, but I think it's closest to the Indigo color, it's a lovely rich blue that will look really nice on her. This yarn is so deliciously soft, I'd love to just roll around in it half-clothed. Of course, I'm so tired that I'd probably end up going to sleep pretty quickly, but I'd enjoy it for about 30 to 47 seconds, I'm sure! SHOCKINGLY, some in the Emerald colorway LEPT into my basket to come home with me (I'll be making this scarf and this hat for myself in it). What can I say? I had a giftcard. It is odd, isn't it, how often I get bombarded with yarn and knitting needles and whatnot when I go into a yarn store. Things just throw themselves at me and insist I bring them home! Strange. Anyway, I've started my sister's hat and it's so soft. I have been doing so much work with cotton, I'd sort of gotten used to how hard cotton is on the hands! This is just lovely.

I also got a random skein of light green yarn with which to make my son's stuffed tiger, named Cracker, a hat, mittens, and a scarf. My son has also requested that I make Cracker a sweater, a snow suit and some snow boots, but I think I've convinced him that tigers have fur and the boots, at least, are overkill. I may do the sweater, just because I think it would be really cute! I suggested putting slits for Cracker's ears in the hat, and my son just gave me a look as if I were insane, and said "No, his EAR will get cold! NO SLITS!" *sigh* Okay. So now I have to design the perfect tiger sweater. DS insisted that he wanted the LIGHT green. The woman at the store thought this was hysterical and said "You can tell he's the child of a fiber enthusiast!"

I have major startitis right now...all I want to do is start new projects, but I know that leads to not finishing them. I also owe my BIL a hat from last Christmas (the one I made was too small for his enormous head), so I need to find some yarn for that. Maybe more Malabrigo?!? I should definitely get the Christmas knitting done before anything else.

I'm really liking the Branching Out in the STR Lightweight. I think the colors work, I don't think it obscures the lace pattern too badly. I don't know how warm it'll be but it sure is pretty!

So, that's about it! Oh, one small frustration...I've attempted several times now to post comments of the Yarn Harlot's blog, and for some reason her blog doesn't like me. My comments get "held for the moderator" and never show up. It doesn't seem like others have that problem, so I should probably take it personally, right? Ah well, I guess I won't be able to tell her how much her work inspires me!

Surfacing

It doesn't *feel* like it's been almost a week since posting. The long weekend has thrown me off, I think. Not to mention that my daughter is sleeping like C.R.A.P. and I am exhausted. She's got a terrible cold, and she's teething and having all these developmental leaps (sitting, crawling, waving). Hopefully she'll settle down soon. It's a good thing she's cute.

I've been working away on a few different projects. I just picked up the baby blanket for a friend, I really do want to get this done and sent off. I love the fleece, it's really cute! I hope the edging works. I'm working my way through Riverbend sock #2. (Hah, I just typed sock #3 by accident, my god, imagine if you had three feet, I would *never* get socks done...though if I had three feet, I'd wear different socks on each of them and only ever have to knit one sock of any pattern...) Anyway. Yes, Riverbend 2 is chugging along. I've got the plain part of the foot done, and I'm almost to the point of starting the increases. I would love to get this done this week, so I could have a new pair of socks to wear. Then, I SWEAR, I am starting Falling Leaves #2. Promise. I'm also working on Branching Out. I'm doing it in this, and the colors are quite different than they appear on my monitor, they're much darker (and the green is muddier). All of my yarn, in fact, is much darker than on my monitor. It's all good, just different than what I thought I was getting. Anyway, the Grandma's Flower Garden doesn't look at all spring-like to me, in fact, it seems much more like Autumn colors. I think it works in the lace. I'll post some pictures one of these days. I'm hoping I have enough leftover to do a hat. I'll use much smaller needles to get a denser fabric, but I think a simple cap would be really pretty too. I think that's about it for the moment.

Knitter, Know Thyself

[Okay, I was just totally distracted by the sight of my older son running by in an orange pajama shirt and pants with fire trucks on them. Daddy dressed him for bed tonight.]

Anyway. What was I saying? Oh yes. So, I've heard it said that there are two kinds of knitters: those who stash, and those who plan projects. I am totally in the latter camp. Not to say I don't have a stash, I certainly do. It's not really huge, but I wouldn't call it, you know, tiny.

But, I buy yarn for specific projects, and because I am compulsively rigid consistent, I don't usually deviate from my plan. Yeah, I do love me a good plan. So, anyway, I bought this STR and had the bright idea to take a skein and knit something other than socks. I tried that drop stitch pattern, didn't work. I got about 40 rows into the Alix shawl and thought "You know, this pattern just isn't doing it for me." Nothing against the pattern, at all, it's just not my style! So I frogged it.

I am now doing Branching Out. I am not convinced the yarn is right for this pattern either, but I want to do a bit more and see. I'm doing it on fairly big needles, 8s, to get a more lacy effect. The yarn is so gorgeous and smooshy and sproingy, maybe I should just do socks with it. I've done 1.5 pattern repeats, but because it's going to need blocking, it's hard to tell if it really works. This is where I just don't have the confidence as a knitter, that I can make a good call for swapping a very different yarn into a pattern. And because the yarn is so pricey, I really would hate to make something that I won't enjoy and wear, you know?

I know, fascinating, isn't it? ;)

One down...

One to go. I finished the first of the Riverbend socks today. It fits very well in the foot, it's a tad baggy around the ankle, but all in all, I'm quite pleased with it. Not pleased enough to start the next one, I think I need a small break. If I were a good and diligent knitter, I would also start my 2nd Falling Leaves sock. These are so pretty, and they've been languishing! No, I didn't do that either. I did start an enormously hard complicated project that scares the hell out of me, more on that when I get enough done to think that I'll be able to actually complete it (it's probably not really all that hard, but it's complex).

So, now my thoughts are turning to....SOCKS THAT ROCK! I actually want to turn one of the skeins into a scarf, because I need a scarf and it's getting damn chilly around these parts. Especially inside my house because heating is expensive. I was thinking about doing a small Alix's Prayer Shawl, but I'm not sure I *love* the pattern, and I'm not sure how a small one would look, or how one might wear it. Maybe this pattern (ravelry link)?

Okay, since writing that, I tried the drop stitch pattern and I'm not sure if the yarn was not right or the needles were too small but I didn't love it (I wonder if that would work for that Berroco BoHo that's been nagging me for a long time now?). So I started the Alix Prayer shawl, and it'll be a small shoulder shawl. I'll do something else for a scarf...

And this is why I love Magic Loop for socks.

Because you can try on your socks as you make them!!

Yarn: Regia Cotton Color
Needles: KP Fixed Circs, 32" length, 2.5 mm
Pattern: Riverbend Master pattern from Cat Bordhi's New Pathways...

It fits very well - very fitted. So far, I'm diggin' it! I had some confusion at the heel, but it turns out I was just misreading her diagrams, not that I'd made a mistake. I did what I thought was right, even though it didn't fit with what I *thought* the pattern was saying, but it turns out it *was* what the pattern was saying so I was right even thought I thought I was wrong. Or something.

I am desparate need of socks, and one pair of handmades is wearing out! The Yarn Harlot has the perspective that sock knitters are the ultimate optimists because you make something you pretty much guarantee is going to wear out, if you use it as intended. So, basically it means I can knit as many pairs of socks as I can stand (and dude, I can stand A LOT OF SOCK KNITTING), and they'll all be used!

In other knitting news, I got the preschool basket off today, hooray! When this sock is done, I've got a couple more crochet projects to finish and then I think I'm going to do a sock blitz.

That Past and The Future

aka FOs plus pictures and stash acquisition!

So, I finished the things I'm making for the auction for the boys' preschool. Which is good, because the auction is SATURDAY NIGHT! I just have to make the basket all pretty now and we'll see what it goes for!

Item #1 is another Starghan. :) You make recognize the color scheme. I had lots of the yarn (Bernat Cottontots) left over, so it went to this! I did 20 rounds of light pink, 1 round of the variegated, 10 rounds of purple, 1 round of variegated, and then 5 rounds of pink. It's all double crochet, and then I finsihed it with 1 more round of pink, single crochet. It's not huge, but I'm envisioning it as a "tuck around the newborn in her baby bucket carseat" kind of blanket, so I really didn't want it to be huge. I used a large hook, H maybe? It went quite quickly. I think it's pretty cute! It does buckle a bit. I did a sort-of steam blocking, which helped somewhat. I figure it's going to be getting tossed into the wash, so I'm not too worried about it. I used Beth's pattern, and she was gracious enough to give me permission to donate it for the auction.

The second item for the auction is this hat. This is another item which did, I believe, make me squeal like a bit of a girly girl. It's delicious, it looks like a cupcake and as soon as I get more yarn, I'm making one for my girl (in the bigger size as this is too small for her). This is a Debby Ware pattern, and she also very graciously gave me permission to donate it to be auctioned off. This was made in my perennial favorite, Takhi Cotton Classic, using my KnitPicks Options set, size 4 needle.

These will be packeged in a basket together with a bunch of Burt's Bees baby products.

In other exciting news, my STR arrived!!

Huh.

I appear to have gotten right on the first try.
This doesn't usually happen to me.

Procrastinating...

I need to go cast on 321 stitches for the Gumdrop Hat and I'm not looking forward to it. Casting on isn't my favorite thing to do, and dude? That's a lot of stitches. AND, it's being knit in the round, of course, so there is (especially with that many stitches) a very real likelihood that I'll twist the join, necessitating ripping out and starting over. Not excited about that.

I did finish the Starghan, and many thanks to Beth for giving me permission to make this for my kids' preschool fund raiser. (To anyone in the area, the auction is going to have good stuff...Red Sox, Patriots and Celtics tix, among other things, and for $10, lots of snacks and drinks.) It turned out quite cute (cutely? Is that even a word?), it's very cute, but a bit bumpy. I'm pondering the whole blocking process. It's made from cotton, so I'll probably try to steam block it later. We'll see how that works out for me. I'll take pictures soon.

I am obsessed with all things sock right now, but not actually doing any sock knitting, due to the fact that my fundraiser knitting/crocheting was due, like a week ago.

OH. I also finally called a different Project Linus contact who actually answered her phone (what is the world coming to?!?), and she's sending me info and we had a nice chat and there's a real need for what I want to do, which is edge fleece baby blankets and make little hats. So yay! I can reconnect to the service part of my life.

That's about it. Life is very busy, which seems odd to me. Oh, and it looks like there's a chance I may become a SOCCER MOM this spring. Who woulda thunk it. ME. I really do need to dye my hair green or purple. Purple's in this season, right?

Gotta make this quick...

Because baby girl is waking up from her (far, far too short) morning nap.

My lovely sister has given me a gift certificate to Blue Moon Fiber Arts. !!!!! I have always wanted to try the STR (well, always for as long as I've known about them) because I hear the colors are amazing. I love me some colorful variegated yarn! But, I cannot decided between lightweight and medium weight! Maybe I'll get one of each? I'm also drooling over the Laci yarn, but since I *actually* knit socks and I only dream of knitting lace at the moment (and I have yarn and a lace project all set to go), I think the sock yarn is the way to go. Of course, picking a color or two is going to be challenging too!!

In other news...I'm crocheting up a storm for this auction thing, and need to cast on the baby hat today as well. We've got a lot planned so I'm not sure if it it's all going to get done. Well, actually, I am sure that it's NOT all going to get done by tonight, but it will be done for the auction.

I love tools.

I really do. I'm a gear-head and tool-head, I always have been.

So, I was getting some yarn to make a hat for this gift basket I'm putting together, (this pattern but I don't have the little flowers or buttons for it at the moment), and SOMEHOW a couple of Addi Lace needles just LEAPED into my bag and came home with me. What's that you say? They're inanimate objects and don't leap on their own? Well, you obviously don't know Addi Lace needles, my friend, that's all I can say.

The lace needles are for a lace shawl. I'm hoping there are many lace shawls that call for a size 5 needle. I got the 24" and the 40" - it's a circular shawl, so I'll start with Magic Loop, then move to knitting in the round, and then back onto the 40". If I need it, I can get the 60" later.

I haven't made as much progress on my blankie for the basket as I'd like. I'm pondering turning it into a towel instead, and making some washcloths. I dunno. That would go with the rest of the stuff I'm putting in (Burt's Bees products).

I'll make this quick...

...because I should have been in the shower 10 minutes ago to get out the door on time. Oh well.

I am exhausted today because I stayed up for the election results. It's probably no surprise, but I am *thrilled* with the results. I am hopeful and inspired to do my part for our country, and I haven't felt that way in a long time. We're got a lot of work ahead of us.

Also, I'm a tad...panicked is not quite the right word, but slightly worried because I agreed to donate a baby shower basket (with handmade stuff) for our preschool's auction and it turns out it was due, well, a while ago, and it's not, you know, done. Or started, really.

I am hoping to whip out (HA HA!) a star afghan and this adorable baby hat that I got the pattern for, by Monday. So picture me frantically DC-ing my way through the weekend, huh? Send some completion mojo my way, if you got it.

Pictures to follow.

Brrr!

The weather is moving from those glorious early fall days - the days where you're comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt, maybe with a fleece vest for outside, where the leaves are on fire and the sky is that deep deep blue, the days that make me so thrilled to live in NE (and make me wonder when I turned into a person who gets breathless from the beauty around me) - to the days where it's really COLD. I don't love the cold, I'm not really a winter person, and I can't deny now that winter's coming. *sigh* It also makes me want to cover everyone I love (and perhaps total strangers) in hand knits - hats, mittens, socks, scarves, blankets (well, just the babies, I'm not crazy enough to knit a grown-up size blanket). I wish I had the time.

It's been a crazy busy week. We've been doing some extra free "skills clinics" at the Little Gym in town (which is *awesome*), and with Halloween this week, we've got some extra things as well. DS2 wears his costume to school today, DS1 does tomorrow. We have a Halloween party tomorrow afternoon, and then TRICK OR TREATING, of course. The kids are so excited, it's helping me to enjoy it.

AND I've been able to get some knitting and crocheting in. I started the border for a friend's baby blanket. I also emailed the Project Linus people, but haven't heard back from them. I started a Riverbend sock, from Cat Bordhi's book (hence the swatching, which I totally did in a lame fashion but appears to be on target for spi). I did her standard toe which is different from my version (which, when I come to think of it, I think I made up somewhat), and is a bit pointier, but I think I might like it. We'll see!

I also *tried* to start a very ambitious project but I don't have the right needles for it, and the right needles will cost me about $45 so I'm a bit hesitant to get them. I so wish KP made lace tips for their options set (pointier and a bit grabbier) because I would *totally* get them. Hmm, maybe I'll email them!

So, that's it on the knitting front. All is good. (Could I possibly use more parentheses in this post?)

(I don't think so.)

I can't believe it either!

Guess what I started today. No, go on, guess!!

A gauge swatch.

I *know*, it's so...out of character for me. But remember how I needed to finish all my socks on needles, and then I was going to do socks from the New Pathways book? Okay, so I didn't precisely finish *all* the socks I need to do...in fact, I need to start the second lace sock (it's been so long, I can't even remember which pattern it is...Falling Leaves, maybe?), but I need a vanilla project too, so I'm going to do the Riverbend sockitecture. I have some cute sock yarn (I know, what a surprise) and I'm going to try it. But, you need to know your gauge. So, swatching I am!

Holy Cow, another FO!! AND PICTURES!!

What is the world coming to?
Anyway, hard to believe, but I finished ANOTHER thing!! This is Knitty's BYOB, and I found it a fun knit. I seem to have themes in my knitting sometimes, and lately it's been seed stitch.

I knit this using the recommended needles sizes (of course I didn't swatch, what are you thinking??) with the recommended yarn, which is Lion Pride Cotton-Ease. This yarn is not bad, actually. I'll have to see how it washes and dries, but it's a nice soft yarn and makes a pretty fabric, I think. I used about a quarter of the skein of the rose, about a third of the skein of the blue, and cut it down to the wire with the green - I had 4 grams left at the end. I was a bit nervous I was going to run out and trying think how it would look if I did the bind-off row in blue or pink. Interesting, I am sure. I wasn't about to go out and buy another skein of the green for one row, you know?

I notice that when I am feeling low on yarn, I change how I knit with it. Usually I pull out a good long lead so I am not constantly unwinding from the skein, but when I feel low, I stop that, as if somehow that will mean I use less yarn. The mind, it's powerful. Don't go in it alone.

I didn't make any intentional pattern modifications (that's right! They're not errors, they're modifications!), and I thought the pattern was well-written and easy to follow. I was a bit confused as to how the handles were going to be attach but it was easy to do, and quite clever, I think!

This sucker is BIG. In the loaded up shots below, I've got *four* cereal boxes in there, and there's plenty of room for more stuff. It does stretch a bunch. I'm a bit wary about really loading it up as I'm not sure how much weight the handles can realistically bear - a lot? Not much? Not an experiment I'll run at the grocery store, that's for sure. But I think it's really pretty, and I'm really working on using reusable bags, so this goes in my stash!

And the crazy thing is, now I've actually got NOTHING on needles! I have one more lace sock to do, so I'll probably get that cast on, and some more plain vanilla socks, and some other things. I've got a pineapple doily on the hook, which desperately needs the miracle of blocking. Which I don't know how to do. Yay, a new skill to learn!

A Moment To Breathe

(This is a very different post from the kind I usually put here, and it feels a bit scary to make myself this vulnerable, both about loss and about how important knitting really is to me. But you know what? I'm going to see how it goes.)

My wonderful husband is home from his trip. My daughter is sleeping, DH is doing stories with the boys, so I've got a moment here. I've got BYOB sitting here next to me, but I'm in a pondering mode right now. I'll knit in a moment.

I've been reading a bunch of the Yarn Harlot's books. As I wrote, I went to hear her speak. Because I wanted to support the bookstore that brought her to the area, I bought her latest book. Because I have a problem with self-control when it comes to books, I bought a few other books as well, all of which she graciously signed for me (poor thing, she's pretty fried).

I really have enjoyed them - both for the humor and for the philosophy. I was a philosophy major in college, I have a masters in counseling and ph.d. in counseling psychology, and I'm a licensed psychologist, so I think you could say that I appreciate the power of the examined life, eh? Yes. I've been thinking about how much I *love* the craft work that I do, and she helped me articulate part of it.

I've never really considered myself creative, which is sort of funny because I'm one of those singing, acting, violin-playing, photo-taking geeks. I always felt that I was an interpretor, not a creator, because most of what I do is interpretation of someone else's creativity - someone else's words, or music, or pattern. But SPM makes a distinction between creativity and creation, and that just jumped off the page for me. I *love* the act of creation. When I did theater, I loved building sets and costumes, hanging lights, creating a show. I *love* that when I'm doing my knitting or crocheting (or, in the past, counted cross stitch and other needlework which I don't do right now because tiny stabby needles and little kids don't mix all that well), I'm *making* something that wasn't there. I suppose that's true of kids as well. :) I've made three of 'em, so I must enjoy something more than the process of creating them.

This realization moved me, and felt...healing, really. I'm one of those women who's suffered from what I call "fraud symdrome." I'm pretty comfortable with who I am these days, thanks to some really good therapy, but I was someone who really believed that there was this huge discrepency between the person the world saw (and seemed to approve of), and who I really was inside, and that the insides weren't acceptable, on a basic level. I don't feel that way anymore (most of the time), but something about claiming the label of being "creative" jarred some of those old feelings. "You're not really creative" my (not so nice) inner-self would say when someone would compliment me on the thing I'd made, "any trained monkey could do the same." Well, perhaps that's true, though I don't think monkeys generally have access to nice yarn, but it's not really relevant.

What's relevant to me is that the act of creating is CREATIVE. I know, it seems sort of self-evident, but it feels huge to me. The act of doing something, and getting better and better at it, while understanding how much there is to learn is powerful. When I'm wearing socks that I made for myself, I feel not just a sense of competency, but I feel taken care of. When I give someone something I've made, I'm not just giving them the thing, I'm giving my time and my love. The fact that non-crafters don't always really understand that doesn't make it any less true.

My knitting is tied to the friendships I lost some time ago. We knit together. One friend gave me a knitting kit that I still use pretty much every time I knit. I'm often reminded of these women, though now it's more with a sense of wishing them well (because spiritually, it's better for me) than the ache I felt for a long time. I'm glad that I didn't let the pain of thse losses (and the pain those losses caused my son, which was huge, and in some ways more painful to me than my own loss) sour me on the knitting just because it was something that had bound us together. I think losing my love of knitting would cost me more than losing those friendships did. Since then, I've made new friends through knitting (and in other ways too), I've connected strongly with other friends I already had around crafting and the act of creating, and perhaps most importantly, I've committed more strongly to my own identity and self through knitting. I was too dependent on those friends, and I feel like from that loss, I've gained a much stronger core. It's not that I don't have wonderful friends now that I love and care for, and depend on, but I now know I can lose friends and be okay. It wasn't something that had really happened to me before, and it really left me reeling for a while.

Knitting has helped me become stronger, more independent, less perfectionistic, more courageous. I'm learning to be nicer to myself, and more generous and giving to others. It's given me some gorgeous socks, hats, blankets, gifts for others, and perhaps someday, a sweater, if I get that brave. That's a lot to get from some sticks and string.