Freaking Out Just A Bit

Well, maybe more than a bit.

Looks like I'm going back to work! This is very good news - it looks like it's going to fall into place that I'll be working at a newish mental health clinic in town, so very convenient, the money is decent, they're willing to let me work very few hours on my schedule. It's all good, right? The one less-than-ideal thing is that I'll be working Saturdays for the foreseeable future (probably 2 years, on my 5 year plan, and yes, I do have one). But really, during the school year, that's not a big deal.

So, why am I freaking out? Well, I think the main reason is, it's change, and I. Hate. Change. I like things to stay the same, even when I'm unhappy - because, hey! The devil you know and all that, right? (Not that I'm unhappy at the moment.) Being a SAHM, while veryvery stressful in some ways, is also really a great gig! We have none of the stress of get everyone out the door (well, except now that I have two kids in public school, we do), none of the "hey, somebody's puking, what do we do?" Plus, in the summer, as part of my job, we go to the beach. I'm in a rut, really. It's a nice rut. But I think with my littlest one going off to preschool, it's time for me to start pushing myself outside my comfort zone a bit. I've been at home since June of 2003 - my job ended, I was 6+m months pregnant...and we knew that we wanted me home with the kids for "a while." It was really important to me that we do it this way, and we were so, so blessed to be able to do it (well, and we made specific choices to support that goal).

But now, life is getting more and more expensive, and I have this opportunity. So I'm going to take it. Yikes.

*Actual* Knitting Content!!

I Know. I can't quite believe it myself.

I have been way off my knitting game for a long time, months. I'm not sure why - I've been sewing, crocheting, living the busy life of a mom with three kids (I know, my friends with 4+ kids are snorting at the notion). For whatever reason, I've been off of it. I've felt, of course, guilty. Why? Knitting is my *hobby*, it's not my job. In part, it was a really rough winter emotionally, for a variety of reasons, and I've felt for some time that I spent much of it just getting through, and there was no energy for anything else. I feel like this Spring and Summer, I'm rejuvenating, I"m coming back to myself. I cut my hair, I'm working out more, I'm reading like a fiend (I'm currently obsessed with adventure memoirs, I've read 3 in the last 4 days), and I'm crafting again!

One issue is that I've had this stuff hanging around on needles for far, far too long. A quick search reveals that the first sock of this pair was completed in October of 2009. Oy. I hadn't realized it'd been that long! So anyway, this things have just been LURKING around, sulking in the corner. I've got two complete socks (of course that don't match). They're both vanilla socks of my own devising, but unfortunately, after so long, the notes I made about them are long gone. I'm treating this as a good exercise in "good enough." They'll match well enough to wear, right? So, I completed the second foot of 3rd sock! I think I won't try and turn the heel tonight, I'm really tired, but I'm feeling energized about them. I want to get all projects on needles completed (or frogged) and then I'll reassess.

(I'm just not going to mention the huge KP Crayon order I just made for crocheting baby blankets.)

Quick Saturday Update

Hey, have you heard? It's hot on the East Coast! We've actually had our AC running the last couple of days. I used to really like AC but the years with my husband have changed me. We woke up to a thunderstorm and 72 degrees outside, and we both looked at each other and said "OPEN THE HOUSE!!" It's gonna heat way up this afternoon, so I think we'll close it down again but for now, it's lovely to be sitting with the windows open, listening to the birds.

So, as usual, I was weak and helpless in the face of a yarn obsession and ordered the Crayon for KP. I'm really hoping it'll be awesome for baby blankets! I have a friend who's done some really nice things for me who is pregnant with her first, and I'm thinking of a purple and orange blanket for her baby! I know I'm obsessing over the different small granny square blankies, but the seaming and weaving-in-of-ends is defeating me at the moment. I'm thinking I'll be doing something more like a round or star blankie.

Back amongst the vertical.

Let's just say, yesterday was a tough day. I woke up, felt not great, and ended up spending the day lying flat and still. My wonderful husband shuffled work stuff and took over. He got A off on the bus to home. Poor kid had to stay an extra day because he threw up Sunday night, and he was pretty homesick. Hopefully it won't sour him on the program as my kids would LOVE to have him come back! He was a sweetie. He really bonded with my husband as well.

But anyway! So, we're back in business here. We've got an easy, mellow day planned, which is good, since my energy is low. I'm actually going to do some knitting, I think! I have to say, I am *loving* having slightly older kids who are capable of entertaining themselves and each other with fairly minimal supervision! I think I'm also going to order some yarn today. *sigh* I *cannot* get that silly crochet blanket out of my head, which means I Need to Make It for Someone. I have several friends who are pregnant right now, one of whom is very crafty, so I think it'll go to use! This will be different from the last time where I made a baby blanket simply because I had to make something from this yarn (in Painted Iris) and it ended up being for me! I'm thinking I'm going to order a bunch of Crayon from KP and crochet some blankets.

Ugh. What a way to end the week.

3 kids vomiting. Perhaps my least favorite parenting situation ever.

So we've got A with us for an extra day, since he threw up in the middle of the night, poor kiddo. I feel *awful* for him, and just terrible about the whole thing. I reallyreally hope this doesn't sour him on the whole experience!!

A couple of random musings...

So far our visit with A, our little guy from NY, is going really well! He's having what I'd consider perfectly normal homesickness, but he's also having lots of fun, and a good time with the kids! It's making me look at some of my parenting habits as well, specifically how much yelling I do...and making me think I need to be more vigilant about that. I don't think yelling works particularly well as a parenting strategy but especially with my oldest, sometimes it's the only thing that gets through.

I am feeling really good today - I ran at about 6:30 this morning, and the mist rising off the lake literally took my breath away, it was so beautiful. I love living somewhere like this, able to walk by water every day if I want to!

I went over to my neighbor's house last night - it ended up being five of us, hanging out and talking. I feel so lucky, I've gotten to know so many amazing women here. When I first had my oldest, my friends were people who had kids the exact same age as mine (and well, that didn't work out so well for me as my two closest friends dumped me when I had my second child!). Now I've got friends with kids around the same age, as well as friends with older kids, and there's not the expectation that our kids our going to be friends, you know, so it takes the pressure off! I feel like I get really valuable perspective from these women - their views aren't the same as mine on all things, but there's a basic respect and affection.

Okay - now I have to get four kids out the door so my daughter can go to her dance class!

Life with A, our Fresh Air Fun kiddo, Day 1

We all survived the first day! Apparently A was very, very nervous. His mom called this afternoon and said he "cried and cried" this morning. He seemed pleased to be here though, and he settled in with the kids very well, playing and having fun. During dinner, he got very quiet and seemed very sad, missing his mom. After dinner, we had ice cream cones and walked down to the lake, where he very much enjoyed that classic game, "Throw Stuff in the Water." We came back here, had every take showers, and got everyone into bed. An hour later, it seems to have settled down.

I think he's a tad overwhelmed - big shocker there! On a quiet day, my kids are loud and intense. Gee, I wonder where they got that personality trait from? Hmm. I really hope he has a good time and enjoys himself! He already told me that our neighborhood was "really different from Brooklyn!"

I am not entirely sure what to do tomorrow. In the afternoon, we'll go down to the lake (the boys have swim lessons) but we have a morning to fill...

The Endless Ikea Trip

I just spent 7 hours on an Ikea trip with my children. And I'm not even insane. :)

I needed to go to Ikea - we're hosting a Fresh Air Fund child next week, and needed, you know, an actual bed for him, and it's time to move my daughter out of her toddler bed *sniff* into her Big Girl Bed, so we decided to purchase a bunk bed. Of course, the one we have that we really like is no longer in production, so we got a very simple wood one. It was actually really cool having all three kids with me there! I feel like we're turning a corner, both with the youngest, who's now three and is just turning into a big kid, and with my oldest, who's so intense. We're using an herbal supplement to treat his anxiety and it's helping SO SO much. So, we got the bed, we got a book shelf, we got furniture for our new screened in porch, we got linens...we got just about everything! I was very excite because I got a lounging chair for me! I really want a nice wicker one with arms and a curved back, but they're...let's just say, they're not in my price range at the moment. So not only did I find a decent second choice at Ikea, it was $40 off! And the chairs I had really liked for the table out there (built by my sweetie) which I had deemed nice but too expensive, were $20 off per chair! I hadn't planned to get them but that seemed like a good deal to me.

With infusions of meatballs, mac and cheese, hot dogs and fro yo, the kids held it together so amazingly well! I think by the end I was more cranky than any of them!!

And now, tomorrow, I get to look forward to putting all of this stuff together!

Home again, home again!

We had a LOVELY 4th of July long weekend out in the Berkshires. There was swimming in the lake, kayaking, lounging around, drinking of wine, and lovely food. I am incredibly lucky that not only did I get an awesome husband when I married my sweetie, I also got a fabulous extended family! For example, my MIL was in the room when I gave birth, all three times, and actually cut the cord of my second son - all by my invitation. I know most folks don't have that kind of relationship with their MIL and I do know how lucky I am!

It is, however, SO good to be home! Today feels like our first real day of summer vacation! I'm hoping to get some stuff done, and to have some lazing around fun. I finally got my paper calendar reconciled with my Google calendar, and now I feel like I know where we need to be and when, which is always a good feeling. I'm not naturally organized AT ALL, so I often feel like I'm just barely keeping up. (So much so that I think it's time for me to explore actual ADD meds.)

I did some crocheting while away - I did another little bear hat, it's very cute! Probably the right size for a 12 month old. I find sizing always baffling - I feel like I take all these measurements, do all the calculations and get different answers depending on which measurement I use. Ah well, it's all for fun, right?

I'm now feeling like I really want to crochet a baby blanket!

Happy Anniversary!

11 years today!!

In those 11 years, we've:

moved 5 times

spent a year apart while I completed my predoc internship

bought a condo

bought a house

sold a condo

bought a car and a minivan

had 4 pregnancies and 3 births

seen me complete grad school and get licensed

seen him change jobs and find a company and work that he's loved and grown with

gained and lost 2 ferrets

lost the lovely Lula cat

gained the boy kitties

and all the countless other events that make up a life together

When I met my husband, I was 28, and recently out of a really, really bad relationship (think abusive heroin addict), and I wasn't looking for the love of my life. I was looking to make my life amazing by myself. Maybe that's why I was ready? Who knows. All I know is that I am thankful every single day that the universe brought this amazing person into my life. He's wicked smart, wicked funny, and incredibly loving and generous. He's got more integrity than just about anyone I know. Before I met him, I was able to articulate my relationship philosophy as this: "I want someone who thinks he's the luckiest person in the world to be with me, and who believes he deserves someone like me." It still takes my breath away that I actually managed to find that person.

Happy anniversary, sweetie!

Exhausted

2 trips down, 1 to go.

Our time in VT was really good, but it's tiring as well. As wonderful and supportive as my parents and sister are, they aren't co-parents. Nobody slept well, so I'm just tired.

We're also making the decision to put one of our cats to sleep. I don't think we need to do it tomorrow, but I also think it's probably going to be in the next month or so. I am heartbroken, but it's the right thing. It's just about time. She's just about 18, and I've had her since she was 6 weeks old. She's part of my...not youth exactly, but absolutely my growing up. We had thought we were going to put her to sleep 15 months ago, and then the vet offered some things to try to improve her quality of life. They helped, a lot, but we're pretty much back to where we were.

This is what I wrote (on LiveJournal!) on March 23, 2010 for her, and it is as true today.

We've made the decision, we're putting A to sleep on Saturday. We came close a couple of weeks ago, but I was so deeply ambivalent that I canceled the appointment. I don't think it would have been a mistake then, but I felt wrong about it, but now I don't know. Amazing what a difference even a week makes. She's losing ground pretty quickly, she's losing weight, she's seeming more and more uncomfortable. She seems just...done. We're having a week of lots and lots of love and scritches and purring, which is good.

This is so hard. The waiting is so hard. I know, in a weird way, it will be easier when she's gone. But oh man, I am going to miss her.

I got A on Sept. 11, 1993, from Angell Memorial. She was about 6 weeks old. My sister went with me. I was living in my studio on Highland Ave in Somerville: we took the bus to Lechemere, and the E line all the way to the end and walked up the hill. It was too early, they weren't even open so we went to some random dive bar and had chicken wings. As soon as I saw her, I knew she was mine. KNEW IT. She was so little, so feisty, so funny and cute.

A was definitely weaned too early, she had a lot of the craziness associated with that, but it was okay. I think we fell in love with each other, and she was mine. She loved to sit on my shoulders and suck on the back of my head. It's how I knew N was The One for me - she did it to him the first time she met him (and then never again!).

She had SO MUCH ENERGY! She caromed all over the apartment.

She went with me everywhere I moved. She's lived all over Somerville, San Francisco, Madison, and Littleton.

When I got her, I had just moved to Somerville from Davis (CA) after being dumped by W, my college love. She's THAT cat, you know? She saw me through so much, so many hard times, and so much joy too. She saved my life (she and L), she gave me something to live for that was so hands-on and immediate, when all the other things I had to live for seemed so distant. I had to survive, she needed me. She taught me not just how to receive unconditional love, she taught me how to give it.

She saw me finally get my shit together, fall in love with N and build a family with him.

I am so thankful that she's been with me, one of the great loves of my life (and if the fact that one of the great loves of my life is a cat is pathetic, so be it), and I'm going to miss her for the rest of my life.

Home and then away again.

Back from CA, and then off to VT tomorrow! I don't think I do well with lots of travel, but these trips just lined up this way. (And we get back from VT on Wednesday and head out the Berkshires on Friday.) I'm really tired. I am *so* glad I went to CA. It was wonderful to spend time with my friend, and I think I was actually able to be helpful. And really, cleaning someone else's house is so much more fun than cleaning one's own!

I will say, I *really* enjoyed the travel part! I like traveling in general, and doing it alone was delicious! I read, listened to music (the only bummer is that the Kindle app on the iPhone seems to be a bit of a battery hog), and...KNIT! Yes, I did!!

I frogged my other Swallowtail and decided to try again with a different yarn: specifically, Dream in Color Starry in Midnight Derby. It's gorgeours! I got through 8 pattern repeats of the leaf lace, and I'm definitely excited to keep going! Especially since it's June 24th and 62 degrees! I think a shawl might be in order.

So, one of the things I did (sorry, total subject change there) while in CA was I visited Davis, the town I moved to after I graduated from college. I got to drive around, see my old apartments, where I used to work...it was really trippy. It brought up some really conflicting emotions - in some ways I was happy there, but in many ways, I really wasn't. It's hard to remember how painful life used to be, but also really amazing to see how far I've come, how much it's NOT painful these days! Of course, it's been 20 years (yikes!), so I hope I've grown a bit.

Going Back to Cali!

So in less than 36 hours, I'll be on a plane to Northern California. BY MYSELF. The reason for the trip is sort of bittersweet - I'm going to help a friend who needed a total knee replacement. I am so sad that she needed yet another surgery but I'm so, so hopeful that this will change her life and really, really improve it. I'm excited to be able to offer actual concrete help, and I'm really looking forward to the traveling. I actually like to travel and I'll be by myself. Reading. Knitting. Listening to tunes. Sleeping! Should be cool. Sadly, I don't think I'll be able to hook up with my West Coast NoCal peeps, I don't think there's going to be time. I would LOVE to go back to Davis, the town where I lived for 2 years right after college, but I think I may be too busy. I'm there to cook, clean, and drive little kids around.

So, I need a good knitting project. I think my current Swallowtail, while beautiful, is doomed. I lost the pattern I'd made notes, I have no idea where I was, I tried to figure it out and screwed it up, so I'm just going to say SCREW IT. I have some other yarn I'm thinking about trying for Swallowtail. I'm not 100% convinced lace and variegated go together, but I don't love knitting with solid color yarn. So tomorrow, one of the many things I need to do is rummage in my yarn and see what I have. I do want to do Swallowtail, I really love it as a pattern. So, we'll see. MAYBE when I get back, I'll have some knitting for you?? Also, I need to bring a mindless sock to do as well, so I can have some sitting and chatting knitting available.

Food for Thought...

It's a seriously cold and rainy day here in Massachusetts (though no tornados, thank goodness!). I've been reading a book that's really pushing me to think a lot about what we're eating. Animal, Vegetable, Miracle is fascinating, well-written, and a fun read. I'm about half-way through it, and find myself grappling with all sorts of questions about how we're eating. Coupled with the fact that about 4 times in the last couple of weeks, I've had people raving to me about how much a gluten-free/casein-free diet has helped their child (typically spectrum kids, which my son is not...well, not technically, but close, IMO), AND with getting some less-than-fabulous cholesterol results from my recent physical, it feels like the Universe is sending me a big message about how I'm treating my body, and how I'm feeding my family.

The author talks about the idea of food as an ethical choice. Now this is, of course, not an idea that's new to me, but I've mainly thought about it in relationship to meat. Most of the meat we eat comes from our meat CSA, and I love it. But Kingslover also talks about the environmental impact of eating non-local foods, and out-of-season foods. One of the questions I am feeling pushed to answer is "is my preference for something enough of a reason to make an immoral (for lack of a better term) choice?" An example: I'm not a huge chicken breast fan, so I purchase chicken thighs, which I like better. As I'm reading this book, I'm thinking that just the fact that I *like* them better is really not a good enough reason to participate in the mass-produced chicken market.

So, what are some things we can do to make a difference? We're joining a produce CSA for the summer. I'm super-excited about this, because (1) it couldn't be more local, and (2) I think what we'll get will be a better fit than the CSA we did two years ago. (Lovely people on that farm, but it was just too far). We're also splitting this one with friends, so that'll be cool too. I think I'm going to say that for a while, we need to eat only the meat from the CSA. We have a 10 lb share, and we're splitting that with another friend. We need to eat up what we have in our freezer, and I'm going to resolve not to buy any other meat. Hmm, what about sandwich meat? I'll have to think about this. Personally, I need to cut way, way back on my cheese consumption. I love cheese, I really do, but I think I need to remember that my grandfather died of heart disease, my dad had a quadruple by-pass a few years ago, and it's time to really make some changes. For awhile there, I was making myself a salad for lunch every day, and I need to get back to that. I think it's also probably worth it to find out if my son has a gluten or casein sensitivity, since making either of those diet changes will be a large endeavor.

This is hard for me to do. As I think I've mentioned before, I had a very serious and long-term eating disorder, and a huge and important part of my recovery was making all foods allowable and acceptable. I think figuring out how to make these changes without falling back into the eating-disorder mind-trap is going to be hard. Even though it's for good and healthy reasons, that thinking is never too far from me.

Derailed.

That's how I'm feeling these days. Like I've just gotten off track somehow and I'm not sure what I need in order to get back ON track. I feel like my house is a mess and I am constantly chasing, trying to keep up with it. I know there's a ton of stuff coming up in the next few weeks and I think I've not put it all on the calendar, which is making me anxious. I'm going to CA in 2 weeks from today, to help a friend, which is awesome but also I'm anxious about it, in terms of leaving things in chaos. Money is super-tight right now, and every time I turn around, there's another expense. *sigh*

I know in a few weeks, it'll be so much calmer. School will be out, and I think we all need the break!!

After :)

Too much to think about!

1. We survived back-to-back birthday weekends! *phew* Of course my oldest was diagnosed with Strep 2 hours before my daughter's birthday party.

2. Tomorrow night I'll be participating in my town's Relay for Life, a fundraiser for the American Cancer Society. It's an overnight walk - and I've been assigned the 2 am slot for my team. I'd be a bit more psyched if it hadn't been so wet and rainy and depressing, and if I weren't getting over the cold from HELL, which has lasted a good 10 days now. I'm looking forward to it. I'm walking in honor of my dad, a 2-time cancer survivor, and many others. Particularly I'm remember a woman who had a profound influence on my life, who died of breast cancer.

3. We're signing up to host a Fresh Air Fund child this summer! The two coordinators came over and interviewed us and toured the house - which the kids had trashed, it's appalling. *sigh*

4. What else....OOOO, I'm cutting all my hair off on Saturday, I CANNOT WAIT!!!!! It's really long now:

I can't wait to have it GONE!

Enough with the gloom and doom!

Okay, time to focus on something fun! We're having a busy May in this household - DS2 turned 6 on Saturday! I can't quite believe it! He had 8 buds over for a party, and some wonderful sharing soul gave us all a horrible cold. :) And, my daughter, my baby girl, is turning THREE on this Saturday! Again, how is this possible? She's a total little person!! I am reminded again of how completely lucky I am, how wonderful they are. It's a bit challenging for DS1, who really likes to be in charge and have the attention, but it's a good life lesson to learn - sometimes it's NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. He's doing great but there's been some strain.

So - where are we at. It's mid-May, 6 more weeks of school and then it's all kids, all summer. I decided this year that instead of doing camps, we're doing classes. I think we do better with a regular schedule, and it's going to leave lots of free time for playing, swimming, hanging out. Hopefully the weather will cooperate!

I want and need to get motivated on my own crafting. I have a bunch of fleece socks to wash and send out, which is a bit of an organizational nightmare so I've been putting it off. I need to write up a cover letter and send in my CV for a job I'm interested in. I have lots more decluttering to do here, and of course, knitting/crocheting/sewing. I think I just need to pick on craft project and just commit to it, maybe an hour a day or so. I think I'd feel less overwhelmed if I were getting things done!

Sometimes life is just hard and sad.

I'm feeling both very thankful that all is okay in my immediate circle, but I feel like I'm hearing a lot of terrible news. A friend's husband died, another friend's mother died, another acquaintance has been diagnosed with cancer, and now a childhood friend of my husband's has committed suicide, while this woman's brother is, at most, days away from dying of ALS (at about age 45).

Suicide just breaks my heart, and makes me so, so angry. I don't even know who to be angry at, you know? It's not that I don't get being that depressed - I do. I really, really do. But I can't help but be angry at the people who succeed, about the devastation they leave behind. Angry at a world that crushes people so that suicide seems like the only possible option. Angry at...I don't know. Just angry. And sad.

I wish I had some sort of deep insight or faith, about why bad things happen. I'm not someone who believes every thing happens for a reason. I think sometimes horrible things just happen. I do believe we can learn and grow through pain, and that grace can come from terrible experiences, but that sure doesn't make it any easier, does it.

Uff da, as my swedish in-laws would say, downer of a post! I guess what I'm trying to hold on to is remember the joy in the world as well. It's not *all* pain - there's so much to love and appreciate, and that's important too. I guess that's what makes the pain bearable.

Where does the time go?

Today my youngest son is 6 years old. How is this even possible?? Next week, my daughter, my youngest child, turns 3. This feels really significant to me - she is now the age he was when she was born. My oldest will be 8 in September.

My youngest son is, in my completely unbiased opinion, just a wonderful soul. He's my snuggler, my peace maker. He's sweet, sensitive, funny, silly, smart, connected, and just an all-around lovely little guy. He's incredibly endearing. He has this sweet little voice, these huge blue eyes, and the brightest smile. He loves dancing, singing, dinosaurs, imagination games, his stuffed tiger, his tiger suit. We gave him an explorers outfit with accessories today, and he put it on to take a walk and had me take pictures of him demonstrating each thing (the lantern, the binoculars, etc.). Everyone who deals with him, as far as I can tell, really enjoys him. His teachers just love him and tell me all the time how sweet and wonderful they think he is. He's just a joy to be around, even when he's being a pill, and I cannot fathom life without him.

Happy birthday, my darling boy.