365-85: You can't always get what you want...

I like Mondays this school year. Oldest son is in K for the full day, so he's gone 8:30-3:30. Younger son has preschool 9-1. DD and I go to the chiropractor and tend to run errands. Today we had our friend G with us, whose mom had to go have some follow up tests. Amazingly for such small girls, they really love each other and get along well! G headed home around 11, and I came home from the preschool pickup with an extra boy for DS2. They had a fantastic time running around outside and grubbing around in the dirt while DD napped. It was a nice day.

I'm doing my typical over-thinking/over-analyzing thing around this whole church issue. I've been having some really good conversations, especially with DH. He said something really thought-provoking about how we can't recreate our own childhoods, and I realized that to a certain extant that is what I want, and that this is just not going to happen. Okay, pretty much all that follows is purely for my own pondering so you've been warned!

So, we visited the church in the next town over (I'll call this church GS). During the sermon, the priest stated that she has been asked to resign and during the coffee hour, a long-term parishioner said to me "The church is in turmoil right now." Hmm. That's...a bit disturbing. Now, one friend reminded me that the more on the inside of things you are, the more crises you see, but that it doesn't make a difference really to people who are showing up for worship. I've been looking at a church the next town over in the other direction (SM). So the GS church is 3.6 miles from us, and under a 1o minute drive. The CCOL was about 1.6 miles from us, and a 5 minute drive. The SM church is 5.4 miles from us and about a 15 minute drive. The gentleman I spoke to was very nice but there are a couple of things that concern me. They have about 60 active members, and they don't have a full-time rector because they can't afford one. My gut reaction of distress and resistance based on this info highlighted for me that I think part of what I'm looking for is a larger community. The GS church, for example, has no high school kids involved. The CCOL has a pretty active HSYG and kids teaching Sunday School.

If we're willing to go further, there are other options. Two towns over to the east is a church that sounds very large - they've got a Rector, associate Rector, many priest associates, a 40-person choir, etc. Is it too big for us? It's also in a town that's very very wealthy, and we're not (unless you count us globally then we are). We're not really country club upper-crust kind of people. It's also far, 10.5 miles and 20ish minutes. This is fine for Sundays but if we do things like join the choir, is it too far? Two towns to the north of us is a church that also sounds pretty big and vibrant. It's 9 miles, 14 minutes.

Obviously what we need to do is go out and check these places out. See how it feels to drive there. See how it feels to be there. I'm struggling with figuring out how to meet my own needs but not at the expense of my husband's needs.

Since I did use the 365 title on this, let me ponder what I'm grateful for. I guess I'm grateful to be part of a process around this stuff. I feel like it's been pushing DH and I to have some really good and intimate conversations, as we struggle to figure out what we want and needs - as individuals and as a family. I'm grateful to have a husband who's right in there with me. I'm grateful to have so many options as well.

365-84: Spring!!

It's fully spring here, which in New England seems to mean alternating 60s with close to 90 yesterday! There are many things I'm feeling grateful for right now. In no particular order:

• my garden. I'm a total neophyte gardener, but the fact that things are coming just delights me! I'm giving up on tomatos this year and I'm going for lots and lots if basil.
• Thursdays: my oldest is in full day today, and the other two are home. It's just nice to hang out and not HAVE to rush off. We are heading out in a bit to run errands but the timing can be flexible.
• Swingset: it's coming a week from today and they set it up!!!
• Knock wood, it looks like the kids are finally all sleeping better! Maybe we'll get my daughter to sleep through the night more than two nights in a row (which she's never done...yes, she's almost two).

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365-83: I know it's cliched...

But there's something about being on the receiving end of love from a toddler that's just remarkably lovely. My daughter came into bed with me this morning and snuggled in, whispering occasionally "Mama...Mama..." She's getting so big and independent, we're all about MY DO IT these days, so I just cherish these moments where I am her world. So much of parenting is teaching your kids how not to need you, how to let you go, and so often all I want to do is hold on.

I've been having so much fun with my little girl, we spent a while yesterday just sitting in the sun, soaking up the gorgeous Spring day, and laughing. I see my oldest off at Kindergarten, building a life outside our home, and my younger son set to head off in September. I try every day to find these moments of joy. It's not always easy, or doable, and I often forget. Days like yesterday remind me, all things change and flow, so be present in all the joy that's all around us.

And now I need to go clean up the animal crackers that my beautiful girl just dumped all over the floor. :-)


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365-82: Extra Kids

We're at the stage with the boys (6.5 and almost 5) that having an extra kid or two around actually makes it less work for me.

We send our kids to a coop nursery school. We've only done coops, they're a good fit for a family. The in-class work, though, can get challenging when you're juggling other kids. Today was my day to be in the class, so here's how the day went. Get up, do yoga, do all the morning stuff, get DS1 on the bus. Bundle DS2 and DD in the car. Drive to friend's house. Drop off DD, pick up their son. Remember it's a lunch day and I forgot to pack a lunch. Friend offers snacks and I accept. Take the boys to school. Spend the morning in the classroom. Friend drops DD off at 11:45, and she and I go home. Feed her, get DS1 off the bus at 12:25 (early release today), give him some food, go back to school and pick up Ds2 and friend. Come here, get DD down for nap. Boys are playing, somewhat harmoniously. Do some chores. Things get less harmoniously, separate DS1 out for a bit. Now I need to wake up DD, get all kids back into the car, go drop of friend then go to karate. We'll be home around 5, and it's occurring to me that I've forgotten to plan dinner. *eyeroll* All this work is really interfering with my bon-bon eating and story-watching. Because isn't that all stay-at-home-moms do? :)

So, today I am grateful that this play-date has gone relatively smoothly, so I've gotten some time to catch up on a couple of tasks that I've had hanging over me.

Knitting and Crafting

I've actually been doing some things other than pondering big life stuff and grieving.

I finished a prayer shawl. It's actually a little small, I'm wishing I'd done another pattern repeat. The pattern was this one, La La's Simple Shawl, and it is, indeed, very simple! I used Lion Suede and didn't have any of the color issues I've had with other skeins of this. This yarn is a bit less enjoyable to knit with, but does make a lovely cozy fabric. It appears to have been discontinued, I can't find it on their website. Ah well. I used two skeins of it, and had very little left, so another pattern repeat would have opened a 3rd skein.

I've been working a bit on my Forest Canopy shawl and I want to get my sister's Swallowtail shawl done too. A friend was asking for hat patterns for babies and now I want to cast on a baby hat even though I don't really have a baby anymore to knit cute little hats for!

I also was on a fleece sock kick. Not only did I make myself several pairs, I ended up making 17 pairs for Plurk friends. Yes, I'm a bit crazy but I did use up a whole bunch of my fleece! I used the Green Pepper pattern, and it's really good.

Sorry, no pictures at the moment. I've got some saved on my phone, maybe I'll do a phpto post from the phone in a bit!

365-81: Lots to ponder...

DH and I have lived in our town for 2 years, 3 months now. For me, it truly feels like home. I've got a wonderful and large group of friends that I truly love, and feel very connected too. It's rare for me to go to the grocery store without running into someone I know. I'm on the Board at the nursery school, I'm in the PTA, I'm involved in three separate knitting groups. I feel so lucky and blessed at the community I've been able to be part of here.

It's not the same for DH. He commutes into the city daily, which is 1 hr 20 min each way, and he's just not a commuter kind of guy. On the weekends, he spends time with his family, he works on the house, occasionally he gets some alone time. As the kids get older, our weekends are starting to get filled with their activities as well. Soccer on Saturdays, birthday parties, etc. I think DH feels like he hasn't really found his place here. In order to help facilitate that for him, we've been attending church.

We started at the local UU church, but just as we got there, the minister left, and then they took the summer off, we had another baby, and got derailed. When we talked about whether we were going to return there, I realized that regardless of where I am in my journey with religion, I needed my Church to have more, well God in it. I was raised Episcopalian but haven't been a participant in a long time. I was pretty serious about it as a kid and teenager, and even at one time wondered if I was called to the ministry. In more recent years, I've been quite drawn to Buddhism. DH was raised Congregational but is pretty firmly in the Atheist camp at this point. We're in really different places with this, which is fine. We decided to check out the Congregational Church in town. DH was drawn to it because "the parking lot is always full." And they do all sorts of things in the community.

We had a THING that we learned about the Church that had me questioning if it was the place for us, and while that was resolved entirely satisfactorily, I am feeling more and more strongly that while I really like the community and the people of this Church, it's just not the right fit for me spiritually. I am sure that the reason the Episcopal church feels right to me is simply because I was raised there, but I can't argue anymore that this is how I feel.

What does all this have to do with gratitude? Well, for one, I'm so thankful to live in a country where I can have this struggle, where we have freedom of religious choice, and I'm so thankful to live in a country where we have freedom FROM religion at all, where I don't have to lie about the fact that my husband is an atheist. In this current climate in our country, I feel that so many have lost the respect and tolerance for differing and opposing viewpoints. It's unfortunate. But anyway, I was talking about gratitude. So I'm thankful to have this freedom in my life.

I'm also thankful that I have the marriage I do, with the man I married. I'm thankful that we can have this difference, which is a deep one, and yet still be completely committed to each other and supportive of helping each other get our needs met. There's not a clear and easy answer to our dilemma here, but I know we'll work it out.

365-80: my sweet kitty

So things didn't go quite as expected today. We didn't end up putting my girlie to sleep, there's a couple of things we're going to try to attempt to boost her quality of life. It's weird, I'm still sad and worried. It's another profound lesson about living in the present moment. Being here now. I am reminded once more about what's important, and really, it just comes down to love. I have told my sweet kitty how much I love her, how lucky I am to have had so many years with her, and how grateful I am, how profoundly grateful I am for all she's taught me.

The other thing I am so deeply grateful for is the outpouring of love and support we've received. Not one person has suggested my grief is an overreaction, or that I should get over this because she's "just" a cat. Maybe some are thinking it but not one person has been anything but loving and supportive. I've gotten so many messages of sympathy and understanding of how hard this process is, I feel like I've got a lot of people who get it. But then, I'm an animal person and pretty much all of my close friends are animal people too.

And right now I'm grateful that I have my sweet girl sitting on my chest, purring softly.


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365-79: My sweetie

Today I am reminded once again why I married the man I did. He's an amazing partner, friend, father, love, and just an amazing, wonderful person.

365-78: 2010 so far...

It's not been so great. Lots of annoyances: sickness, pain, frustration and while we haven't had a major loss here (yet), friends suffering big losses.

It's easy to feel gratitude when things are going well. It's easy to count my blessings when things are smooth sailing and just simple, you know? It's these sorts of times when it gets tougher. And, I expect, much more important.

We're putting my darling cat to sleep on Saturday. We haven't told the kids yet. It's time. I had made an appointment a week and a half ago, then canceled it because it wasn't quite time, but now it is. She's losing weight so quickly, she's seeming more and more uncomfortable...it's time. I'm heartbroken about it. She and I have been together 16.5 years and she's been the constant for me. I'll miss her forever.

So today, right now, I'm grateful to have her with me, to have had such a good long run and to be able to ease her transition to the next phase of being, whatever that might be. I'm sure there is one. I love you, my sweet girl.

365-77: ew.

Something smells really gross in my laundry, I think it's spoiled milk. Sorry, you really didn't need to know that, I got distracted!

Today I'm really grateful for access to the CVS Minute Clinic. The lovely nurse had me in and out in 20 minutes, diagnosed my ear infection and gave me a script for amoxicillin. And they take my insurance, which I feel so fortunate to have.


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365-76: It's the little things.

We had a good morning. I managed to get everything moving early so we weren't crazy people at bus time. I got DS1 on the bus, DS2 dropped at Preschool, and went to my chiro appointment. A friend was supposed to come over but her baby is really sick so she's at the hospital with him. I really hope he's okay. So DD and I are hanging out. We had homemade sour cream coffee cake (pretty good) and I splurged on Chai and she had milk. She playing and I'm sitting, listening to the rain, enjoying a moment where we have nowhere to be but here. I should go clean the playroom, but you know what? It'll be there in 20 minutes.

I am grateful for these moments if peace in life that often feels so full and hectic.


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365-75: Gratitude

Interestingly enough, today's sermon at church was on gratitude. Our pastor (okay, in my heart I'm an episcopalian, we don't have pastors, we have priests) suggested "Blessed are the grateful, for they know they do not stand alone". I like that thought. I've been missing this journal. I've been missing my gratitude practice. I've been working on not beating myself up over not doing a great job lately, but I want to do better.

So, today I'm grateful for the church we've joined. They've made us do welcome and it's always thought provoking, regardless of where I am in my own belief process.


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If you can't say something nice....

I need to get back into this blog and gratitude list. I think it really helps me. We've had a rough few weeks, low-level health stuff but just ongoing. Colds, ear infections...then I got the stomach flu and hurt my back and now we all have another wretched cold. I need to be reminded, to remind myself that it's not that bad. I do know this but when you're so tired and just don't feel well...it can be hard to remember.

I've been crafting, sewing fleece socks and working a bit on my prayer shawl, so I'll try to do some pictures/posts of that stuff too.

And now, TGIF.

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365-74: Love

I'm really thankful that I have a husband who gets me and my sense of humor, and not only still loves me but thinks I'm really funny.



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Brief crafting update...

Brief because really? I got nuthin'. I've just not been in the mood. I've had this wicked cold/sinus infection that's knocked for a loop and I've been watching some Olympics (has NBC managed to piss of every single person in the USA with its coverage, I wonder?), and I've been doing a lot of music. I want to be sewing but I'm waiting on patterns. I am not in a knitting space right now, though my son told me he thought that a robot lovey would be AWESOME. I could also crochet him a space shuttle. How cool is that?? I've gotten some cross stitching done but even that I'm just not feelin' the love right now. I don't know what it is. I just feel like I don't have much time or space for ME right now and until I recharge a bit, I don't know. I'm sure I'll get back into it all, it's essential for me, but I think it's okay to allow a break.

365-73: I love my town.

Today I was scheduled to be in my oldest son's Kindergarten classroom for "table time", where you go in, read a story, help some kids with an art project. I like getting into the classroom - I didn't manage it at all in the Fall, so it's nice I can do it. However, what with vacation and all, it had slipped my mind that I had to go in, and I hadn't arranged childcare for the other two, both of whom I have home on Tuesdays. I put a plea up on Facebook and within an hour I had two offers of childcare.

I love it when it works out. I took DS2 and DD over to my friend N's house. Her oldest is in school with DS2, and she has a daughter a few months younger than mine. We parent pretty similarly, I love her kids, and it was just great. We went over, I hung out for a bit and then left them all perfectly happily. I did my classroom thing which was fun - it's funny, I think DS1 is so *big* until I see him in Kindergarten and I'm reminded he's really still little. Even though he's the oldest in the class due to a Sept. birthday. I *love* that I didn't have to make the call to send him or not. Academically he was totally ready but socially, he was a bit young. Also, I'm just thankful that when 12 or 13 rolls around, he won't be the absolute youngest. Obviously somebody has to be, and given his birthday and our cut-offs, he'd be one or the other, so I'm glad he'll be older. But anyway, when I got back to N's, it turn out our other friend M was on her way too, with N's middle son who is in preschool with her two boys (we all go to the same school), so there was an impromptu hangout and playdate.

I just feel really lucky that we landed in a community with people with really similar parenting and other values. Most the moms expect the kids to be polite, share nicely, and have similar values to me about electronics, tv, that sort of thing. (I can still remember a woman telling me that because her son was an only child and didn't have to share at home, she wasn't going to make him share when on a playdate. My eyes just about fell out of my head at that one!) It's such a gift to know we've got back up, and that we can provide that for our friends as well.

365-72: How is it almost March??

I'm pulling together all of our tax stuff, trying to get *something* done today, and just feeling bowled over at how quickly time goes by. This week flew! Of course, we were away for part of it, DH had jury duty on Thursday and ended up home early, and we had friends over on Friday, so it was a good week. We're still trying to figure out why DD is randomly spiking fevers of 103 (armpit). She woke up from her nap SOAKED so I'm hoping that means her fever broke and she's on the mend. She's been sleeping like CRAP and it's just, well, tiring.

I feel like I have so many thoughts going through my mind these days, and yet I can't quite articulate them. I'm moving through thoughts on career, going back to work (or not), struggling to finish something I started years ago (a certificate program, the certifying organization has basically fallen apart and I need to decided what, if anything, to do), faith, religion, family, parenting, community, life, blah blah blah. I think it's the hazard of being a philosophic psychologist, my brain doesn't turn off!!!

I have all the usual things I'm grateful for, but I'm also grateful for a funny moment with my daughter today. It's been gorgeous the last couple of days, and I'm *so*grateful we've been able to get outside. Well, my daughter today decided that she MUST wear her sunglasses. I took some cute pictures of her in her silly hat and pink sunglasses while listening to the boys running around with one of their friends, and had one of those "all's right in my world" moments.

365-71: Let It Snow!!

Today I'm grateful for the snow. It was beautiful, for once not an inconvenience as we had nowhere to be, and we had some awesome sledding!!!


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365-70: Vacation, all I ever wanted...

It's school vacation week here in MA. I decided to be a kind and loving wife, so I packed up the kids and left DH at home while we traipsed off to visit my ILs. I am truly grateful for them, I won the in-law lottery, for sure!! They're so loving and welcoming. Today we went sledding and ate pie! Not at the same time, of course. That'd be a bit messy, don't you think?

Remember how I was grateful for the antibiotics? Turns out I'm less grateful for the cefprozil than I thought. So, approx. 10% of kids on amoxicillin get a rash. For most kids, it's harmless. It's a reaction, not an allergy. For some it is a true allergy, but it's really hard to tell the difference. We were told that DD's response was not an allergy by one doctor, but our Ped is treating it like it is. So, she got a Z-pack for her pneumonia and tolerated it fine. They prescribed cefprozil for this ear infection. It's given her wicked diarrhea and today she broke out in a rash. Approximately 20% of people who are allergic to the penicillin drugs are also allergic to this one. So, looks like it is a true allergy. Poor boo is running a fever again, so tomorrow we take her to urgent care and see what's going on in the ear.


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365-69: No crass jokes here...

...I'm too tired. We've all had a massive cold which turned into an ear infection for the baby, so no one is sleeping much. I'm hoping we've turned the corner. I don't like myself so much when I'm this tired. Or rather, I don't like that the aspects of myself that are areas for growth (aka "flaws") come out in force. I'm just impatient, more crabby. My oldest is a very spirited child and we clash. He can push my buttons and it's hard to remember sometimes that I'm the grownup here. Today I bought myself a reminder. It's a bracelet with a freshwater pearl and a small silver charm. On one side is a dove, on the other, the word "faith". For some reason, it *called* to me. Even though the cord is blue, and I'm a purple/green kind of woman. I'm not quite sure why it resonated for me but it did. I want to use it as a reminder: to be the person I want to be, I must choose to act the way that person would act, especially in the hardest moments. I already have. I want to believe that when I need it, and ask for it, help will be offered. Is that faith?Faith in what?

Today I am grateful for the chance to ask the questions.


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365-68: ugh

I had hopes for 2010 that so far haven't materialized. I feel like all around me I'm hearing of tragedies and people I care about are hurting. I'm sure part of my gloom is that I'm tired of winter, and part is that I, along with the rest of the family, am sick and exhausted. So, where's the gratitude? Does it count to say it, even if I'm not feeling it deep down? I do appreciate all my blessings, I'm thrilled that there are antibiotics to treat my daughter's ear infection (she's allergic to Amox so it gets more complicated)...I guess today I am choosing to be grateful that I can take today at home with 2 of my kids to just be quiet and rest, because we need it!!


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365-67: Cake

Today I'm grateful for the delicious cake the kids and I made, and for the recovery that allows me to eat a piece with joy and appreciation, and without fear or guilt.




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And non-deep thoughts too.

I have been crafting, actually. I worked on my shawl at KFO, which was lovely. I have been making slippers. I really don't like the ballet flat slippers, so I need another pair of felted clogs! I wore out another pair of socks too. I hate to say it, but for hanging out at home, I think fleece socks are a better choice, so I can preserve my handknit socks. Hmm, I wonder if there's a pattern for them? I have lots of socks and shawls to be working on as well.


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365-66: 2010, yer dooin' it wrong.

I think where I fall down on the belief in a loving, present God is when tragedy occurs. Whether it's global, like Haiti, or personal, like the loss of a desparately wanted and loved baby, I don't get it. Trying to find gratitude in my life as I watch friends grieve feels somewhat trite. Maybe the lesson I'm focusing on right now is to let go of petty irritations and small-minded-selfishness, and focus on the joy and blessings I have here in this moment.


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365-65: Some musings on parenting...

Today I'm feeling really grateful for my children. Now, I'm grateful for them all the time, every single day, but today I've been thinking about a few of the things I've learned during my experience as a mother. I certainly don't claim that my experience is universal, far from it, but I don't think it's particularly unique either.

I think parenting has been the most profound, transformative experience of my life. For me, the divide between my life and experiences as a person without kids and a person with kids has been profound. In the most basic way, I'm still ME, of course, but who I've had to become in response to the demands of parenting is very different.

I've had to come to understand my strengths and my imperfections in a very deep and immediate way. I've had to understand that I am both far more patient than I ever thought I was (not being a patient person at all) but also that I'm not as patient as I'd like to be. I've learned more about rage than I ever thought possible, my own rage in particular. I've also learned about joy. (This is in no way saying that I think people who don't have kids, whether by choice or not, don't know love and joy, *at all*.) I've had to be the grown up when I didn't want to be, I've had to be more generous and giving than I ever imagined (and more than I want to be sometimes). Oddly, I've also learned to be more selfish and better at taking care of myself because really? There's no one else to do it. That's a good lesson to learn. Not to say my husband doesn't take care of me, he does, but he's pretty tapped out too.

Perhaps the biggest lesson pregnancy, labor and parenting have taught me though, is how little I control, other than my own responses and process. It always makes me nervous when I hear women who haven't yet birthed crafting extremely specific visions about labor and delivery or parenting, simply because you just don't know what you're going to get, and you don't have control over most of it. I'm a control freak, certainly, so it's been perhaps more challenging for me than for someone who's a more go-with-the-flow sort of person but I had enough close friends (many of my internet friends) who'd already had kids that I think I had started to grasp this when I went through my first pregnancy. The experience of parenting is so, so different from the fantasies I'd had. So much better, so much deeper, and so, so much harder than I could have imagined. Like many worthwhile things in life, I think, it's such hard work.

Parenting has also given me much compassion for my own parents, now that I understand that they were just people, doing the best they could with what they had, as I am. They did a great job, but made mistakes. So will I. That's okay.

I'm thankful today for my children who have taught me so much. That's such a damn cliche but true. Thank you for teaching me to be open to the moment, to understanding more about what I can and cannot control. Thank you for being you, all of you, for the wonder and joy and frustration you bring me. Thank you for teaching me to embrace the chaos and messiness of it all. I love you, my sons and daughter, more than you can possibly imagine.

365-64: Modern Conveniences

Gotta make this quick because I'm too tired to see straight. Tonight I am grateful for our washer and dryer, as my deeply beloved and quite elderly cat becomes more incontenant. Poor girl. I can't bear to think of saying goodbye, but we're headed in that direction.


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365-63: A chance to serve

I am looking forward to tonight. We joined the Congregational Church a few months ago, and one of the things that I was intrigued by was their "Knitting For Others" group. Turns out it was disbanded...on our second week in the church, they had lay speakers and one woman spoke about how important and moving the KFO ministry was. She's an oncology nurse, and the group knits shawls for her patients. I spoke to someone after the service about how I was interested in this group. The woman said "Okay, enough people have said they're interested, we're going to revive the group. God sent me a message today." Now, I'm not sure about the whole God thing (thankfully the Congregationalists don't let that stop them from welcoming you into their community), but I do believe in the Universe as a power that draws us in the right direction. So, tonight's the first meeting, and though I know at 7:00 I won't want to go, I Am Going and I know it will be so worth it. I've already started my shawl!

I'm going to do La La's Simple Shawl (sorry, it's a Rav link). I am doing it in Lion Suede in a deep pink-burgundy color (the label is downstairs so I'm not sure which one - and off-topic, is Suede being dc'd?). While I've had issue with this yarn and dye-lot consistency, it's so soft and lovely (and machine washable). Yes, I know it's polyester but remember? I'm not a yarn snob. Yarn aficionado, yes, but snob, no.

365-62: Mom

I have to say, so far 2010 isn't meeting my expectations. A good friend's mother died this morning, after a long battle with cancer. I called my mom as soon as I could, so I could just say "I love you." I am grateful to have my mom, who even when she drives me crazy, is a wonderful, loving, supportive mother.


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365-61: Freebie

Sometimes things happen and afterwards you realize "whoa, that could have been bad. *Really* bad." I call those the freebies that the universe gives us, maybe as a wakeup call to be more careful, pay more attention, not take things for granted. We had not one, but two of those. The first happened this morning. I took DS1 out to the bus, and when I came back in, found that DD had gotten into the probiotics and eaten, well, most of them. It was a new bottle. I got her to spit out the mouthful she had, but clearly she'd been snacking on them. I just am not used to a kid who gets into *everything*. I called Poison Control and they assured me that they are non-toxic (and before you ask, yes, all the medicines are locked up in a bin that she can't open, on the top shelf of a closet that she can't get to). Freebie #1. Freebie #2 happened this afternoon. I'd put her down for a nap. She'd protested a bit, but then gotten quiet and I thought she was asleep. Then we heard a tremendous crash from upstairs. I ran up, and found her basically under her brother's dresser. The drawers had opened and supported it, so she was not hurt, not a scratch. She was very scared, but calmed down immediately when we snuggled. I sat there and wept. It's a big dresser, and she's a very little girl. I have no idea how she even caused it to happen, I just can't figure it out. Tomorrow, DH will be anchoring the dressers to the wall. We haven't had a climber before, she's such a monkey, and we haven't had to do this sort of thing before. So, yeah. Freebie #2. Thank you to whatever guardian angel is watching over her (maybe she has an army of them? She could use it!). I am beyond grateful that she's okay.

365-60: Back with the gratitude

I think the thing I am most grateful for today is that this MA election will be OVER after today, and we'll STOP getting these robocalls from both candidates asking for our vote!!!!

FO: French Press Felted Slippers

(I haven't abandoned my gratitude, just got knocked off course by a weekend away! I will get back on it tonight!)

It's a bummer to finish a project, especially one that is something you need, and...not like it. So it is with these slippers.


Everyone's projects on Rav look so cute but I'm disappointed in mine. I don't like how you have to sew on the strap. I don't know if mine just felted so they were too short, but they are and I think they look dumb. I used embroidery thread to sew them on, and I may just take them off. If I do this pattern again, I'll pick up stitches and knit the flap attached, so you just have to tack the one end down. I can't think why that wouldn't work. I have two other issues with these. The first is totally something controllable: I felted them with jeans and I must have used my new jeans because they ran blue dye!!! ARGH!!!! So these started out a cheerful magenta, and are now more purple. It's fine, I think they're pretty but it's not the color I picked. They also just don't fit well. The heel is too shallow and my guess is they won't stay on, and then they're too wide, so I feel like they look sort of clompy (perhaps it's just that I have big feet, which I do). I don't mind that from my felted clogs (of which I am immediately going to make another pair because I love them) but I was hoping for a different look from these. Luckily they were a fairly cheap and quick knit, so I'm not out a lot of money or time.


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364-59: selfish gratitude

We're going to my home tomorrow for the weekend-since we had to cancel Thanksgiving, this is our makeup trip. The service light has been on in the van for ages, so I finally took it into the shiny new dealership in town. The service was excellent and included free breakfast and a lovely decaf cappuccino. There's a nice playroom and WiFi, they clearly know their market! I am grateful that the van just needed a basic service and it only cost $68! I'm also grateful for the few minutes I got to sit and drink said cappuccino. It was good!

Selfish because given what's happened in Haiti, it does feel selfish to be grateful for coffee and a breather. I have donated to Doctors Without Borders and would encourage you, if you can give anything, to do the same. My thoughts and prayers go out to the people of Haiti and all who are striving to help them.

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365-58: Gratitude in the face of tragedy

I am grateful today that we (meaning my husband and I) are in the position where we can donate to Doctors Without Borders, to do what little we can to help the people of Haiti. I am grateful to be part of a community of women who can support a grieving friend. I am grateful to have friends close by who are willing to take my kids so I can spend time in my oldest son's classroom-the joy on his face when I walked in was wonderful to see.

I feel like so often all I really want to say is "I am so so thankful for all of my blessings." That might get boring to read, though it doesn't feel boring to say!


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FO: Pirate Mittens

I've been doing more sewing of late, I can churn out fleece hats and mittens more quickly than if I knit them, and it's winter in Massachusetts. It's cold. I got a new pattern, the Mitten Wraps from Sew Baby! It's cute! This is the first pair I made. The first picture is open:





And this picture shows them Velcroed closed:






It's a fairly easy pattern, and the double layer of fleece will be warm. It doesn't turn out a particularly...what would be a good word, polished product. The palm set has a raw seam,





and the outer lining is just tucked into the flap, which isn't stitched down:






But it is quick, and gives a nice, thick, useable mitten! And the pattern gives you separate pieces for all three sizes! These are the 3T-4T size and fit (snugly) my 4 1/2 year old. I give this pattern a thumbs up, I'm definitely going to make more of these!

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365-57: A Moment to Breathe

I got to school to pick up DS2 and it turned out his buddy wanted him to come over, which worked for the grown ups, so off he went in M's car, so excited! I came home with DD (who was SO sad that DS2 wasn't with us!), fed us both some lunch and then popped her into bed. I've had some time just to sit...I *should* be cleaning. DH and I had a friend over for dinner last night and were both too fried to clean up so the kitchen is a MESS, and I have NO dinner planned but I'm just savoring a moment before jumping back in. I was up late over the weekend, and even though I got sleep last night, I'm tired today. So, I'm truly grateful for this unexpected hour and a half all to myself!!!

365-56: Still Sad

I'm just struggling today to understand the order of the universe. Sometimes things make no sense, none at all.

I am so grateful today to be part of such a loving, generous and supportive community. I know these terrible and painful things are part of life, and it's love that sees us through.

365-55: No Words

A friend has suffered a tragedy. It's not my story to tell, so I'll leave it at that. I'm trying to find something to feel gratitude for, and, in fact, there are many, many things but so many are trivial, and the rest feel...selfish. My heart is broken for my friend.

I am grateful for the love in my life, received and given. It's all we've got, really.


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365-54: Life as a SAHM

That's Stay-At-Home-Mom for anyone who might not know. :)

There's a lot about being a SAHM that I love, there's definitely things I don't love. This morning has been one of the mornings I really do enjoy. I got my oldest on the bus with a minimum of drama and fuss. He's got some worries going on about grades (they really stepped up the academics in Kindergarten this year and I'm not sure it's for the best), so we went out a couple of minutes early and chatted. We don't have anywhere to be this morning, and we've been really busy, so I decided we're just going to hang here and do nothing today. I want to do some cleaning and work out, so I'll do that but it's going to be a mellow day, and sometimes we really need that. Typically I'm more of a get-out-and-go sort of mom. I'm pretty good at finding things to do, and very motivated to go out and do them. I used to have a friend who, on those tough days, would just hunker down and stay home. I'm just the opposite, we need to get out. But because we're doing so much (or so it feels!), it's nice to have a morning where we can just sort of putter around at home.

Time to go make some tea and play with the kids. :) So, right now I am grateful for the flexibility my life has given me, to stay home with my kids while they're little.

365-53: Happy Wednesday!

Today I am grateful that my husband, who normally gets home late on Wednesdays, was home on-time so we all ate together and I could go to knitting at 7 at the library, where I knit about 8" on my latest Noro Double Gradient Scarf. It's so pretty!!!

365-52: Nothing is Perfect

We had a really nice day, and I felt like I had a wonderful moment with each member of the family today.

• Doing yoga this morning and having DD give me a kiss every time I went into upward dog.
• Having a really funny conversation with DS2 about bugs.
• Meeting DS1's bus and just feeling my heart leap when I saw him, seeing his face light up when he saw me, and walking down the driveway holding hands, listening to him tell how he was leader of the day today!
• Getting a big hug and smile from DH when he got home really late due to commuting woes.


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365-52: Letting Go

Letting go is very, very hard for me. I am loyal, which is good, but to a fault, which is not so good. I am loyal to people, places, jobs, things, cloths, stuff. I am also a gear-head. This can lead to things like...well, a lot of sock yarn and knitting needles, or a very large diaper bag collection, or a small but respectable baby carrier collection. Or too many strollers.

I'm struggling with letting go of things right now, which is sort of weird because I'm always feeling like I'm drowning in stuff and sometimes I want to throw it all away, but when it comes right down to it, well, I hold on. I think I need to challenge myself to move out of my comfort zone. The holding on can come from a place of fear...fear that there won't be *enough* or fear that I might need something and not have it. I have to remind myself that stuff is just stuff, and holding on to it isn't going to make me any safer, really. It's just going to make my house a mess.

Time to take a deep breath and leap. Time to let go. I'm grateful (sort of) for the opportunity to do so.

365-51: too tired for titles

I am so tired, I'm about to fall asleep but I wanted to post a quick gratitude. I am so grateful for my husband (as usual? again?) who planned
out a date for us today and in spite of myriad tiny disasters, it all came together. He took me down to Providence to see Wicked which is a show I've been longing to see!! Even though it was snowing hard and the roads sucked, we made it there. We had great seats and I just loved it! I am also grateful for my ILs who came and babysat so we could go carefree!


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365-50: New Yarn

I have always been really into the world of the internet. When I was in college, eons ago, before the web (literally), there was an on-line game/con called XYZ, and I played. I'd say I met many of my closest friends from college there. I got into bulletin boards in the days of usenet. I joined a group called alt.wedding, and from there a bunch of us went to alt.newlywed. It's morphed into other groups, but there's a core bunch of us that have stayed close. We're on Facebook together, some of us are on Plurk together. We do a gift exchange every Christmas called Secret Snow. My secret snow arrived today and included this: if you can't tell, it's 50g of lace-weight silk. In a color I adore. It's so so pretty and soft, and I *love* it!! There were some other gifts in the package too, and I just felt so...blessed. It was such a lovely, kind and thoughtful gift, and it really just made my day!

Today, I am immensely grateful for this group of true friends of the heart. This group of women have given me so much more than I can ever repay, they've taught me so much about so many things: life, love, loss, parenting, friendship, honesty, strength and courage, just to name a few. I've known many of these women for well over 10 years now. Don't tell me you can't have real relationships over the internet, because I know you're wrong. I live it.

And thank you, my Secret Snowflake, for sending me a gift that spoke to my heart.

365-49: Getting Back on Track

Well, it looks like I've gotten off-track. That's okay, no time like the present to get back ON track!

2009 hasn't been the best year for our family - no major crisis but some loss and just a lot of health stuff. It seems to have been true for so many I know - lots of people lost beloved pets and family members this year, and way too many illnesses. Just today I heard about two more kids with pneumonia, another kid with a perforated appendix, a friend's husband broke his leg, and another friend had the stomach flu. JUST STOP IT, UNIVERSE. We're ready for 2010.

I don't really make new year's resolutions, simply because I feel like I don't keep them and that's just inviting failure! Somehow it feels more doable to have goals, and mine are fairly simple. I want to be kinder, more loving, more generous and more patient this year. I have some concrete goals, some things I want to accomplish but really, I just want to keep working on being the most compassionate person I can be. I want to live with more love and less fear.

I am grateful for this night, to reflect on the past year, on what I've done and not done, on where I've succeeded and fallen short, on where I might go this next year.

I found a quote from Mark Twain I really like:
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

I wish us all a year of exploration, dreams and discovery. And cut it out with the illness, okay, Universe? Thanks.

A couple of FOs...

We've been at my ILs' house for a few days and I've grabbed time to knit! I've completed two pairs of slippers (except for the felting) and a hat for me!


This yarn picks up the greens of my coat perfectly! I didn't swatch, of course, I just went by the label needle size (10.5) and gauge, and my own head size. Fits great! I "had" to make a hat because I left my fleece hat at home!

I did a pair of felted clogs for my oldest:


It's the fiber arts pattern, 8" size, in Lamb's Pride worsted.

Then I did a pair of the French Press ballet slippers for me:


The knitting was fine, though the fourth top was a bit tedious...I just hate seaming. I also put the soles on purl-side out. Oops. I'm calling it a feature. I'm not a great seamer so I'm hoping the felting process evens them out a bit. Otherwise, it's back to clogs for me!! I'm also not sure how to sew on the strap post-felting and I'm pondering attaching it pre-felting (but not tacking it down). Do I use thread? Yarn? I have really pretty mother-of-pearl buttons that I think will look nice. It's a nice pattern but pricey!!


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Actual Knitting Content!

I auctioned off a hat and scarf for our preschool's annual benefit. A friend had seen my purple Foliage and wanted one just like it, so she bought it! I ended up making it in exactly the same color. Just a note, I contacted both designers and requested permission to use the pattern for a fundraising item, and even though I already owned the Just Enough Ruffles pattern, I repurchased it. Both designers graciously gave me permission to use their patterns to benefit the school.

So, the pattern for the scarf is Just Enough Ruffles. Knit exactly to pattern, so any mods are simply my own errors. I knit this in Malabrigo Worsted in the Jacinto which I ordered online from somewhere, I can't remember where! As always, Malabrigo is *just* delicious! I used my KP Options for this one. I was very nervous about the blocking because it's not a skill I have, really, yet. Need to finish some more lace so I can get more practice, right? :) I ended up steam blocking it. I wet down a cotton pillowcase and placed it over the areas I wanted to block and ironed it. I didn't block the ruffle at all, I liked it really curly!

The hat, is of course, Knitty's delightful Foliage. I seriously love this pattern. I love leaf lace, and this hat is so cleverly constructed! The only modification I made in this one is the same as I made for mine - I knit 2.5 pattern repeats instead of three. I found the lace opened up with wearing and with my original version in the bulky (RIP pretty green hat), it soon became too long. Which is odd because normally hats knit to pattern specs are too short for me, what with having a long, pointy head. *ahem* Not that I'm insecure about it AT ALL.

These are both pretty quick knits, and fun to do. In the process, though, I have (re)learned a valuable lesson which is that while I love to knit for others and give my work away, I do not love knitting for a deadline. In this case, the deadline is internally imposed because my friend was very gracious about taking my time, but I really wanted it done by Christmas. I am going to VT in January and want to have my sister's shawl done by then, and I have some other projects I'm excited about. I also have FOUR socks in flight, so I need to finish those. I just don't like feeling like I *have* to get something done by a specific time. This is not an unusual thing for me, that's my general attitude (though sometimes I think without those deadlines, I'd never have finished graduate school!).

So, we're off to visit my ILs for a few days and I've packed up the knitting - the shawl, and yarn for some felted slippers for the kids and for me (my awesome clogs are just about worn through). I'd like to have it all done so I can felt them in my mom's top loader.

For all those who celebrate, Merry Christmas! For all those who don't, I wish you the joy of the season. I'll have my phone with me, so I'll be posting from Western MA.

365-48: Silent Night

It's not silent at all, actually. Not yet. The baby (not a baby anymore) is chattering in her bed, the boys are running around, overwrought at the whole thing - the pageant tonight, and SANTA tomorrow. But, they will wind down, and the house will settle down around us. We've still got a lot of work to do: I've got a nice brunch to put together, and everything has to be wrapped. It will get done, I'm sure, and I'll enjoy a glass of wine while I do it.

The house I grew up in was at the end of a dead end row, 10 houses on the street, on a hill. Sometimes in the winter, it would be too icy to get up the hill, and we'd have to park at the college and tramp home through the woods. I have a memory from being a teenager, so clear (true? I don't know), of coming home from the late-night Christmas church service at the Episcopal church we attended (back when I believed), and we got stuck on the hill, and had to go park and walk through the woods. It was cold, and so clear. It was dark, they hadn't yet built up that part of campus, not the way it is now, and we came to a part of the path where the woods drew back, a small clearing. I remember looking up and seeing the amazing array of the Milky Way stretched out above and just being filled with a feeling too profound for words.

I'm not sure what this has to do with anything. Christmas right now is more work than anything for me. We do go to a Christian church but my theological belief system is far from clear to me right now. I'm drawn to belief, yet I resist it. I want to be that perfect, always patient, always loving and kind and soft-spoken mother who never loses her temper and created perfect memories for her children, but I'm not. I threw an honest-to-god, mercifully brief, temper tantrum today when I discovered the kids had thrown the clean, folded laundry on the floor. There was shouting, a door may have been slammed.

And yet...there's so much about Christmas in the Christian church that resonates, and it's the same things that resonate about why I celebrate the Solstice. There's darkness all around, and always has been. People experience pain, loss, grief, devastation. And yet, I have hope for the world, for us. I believe in love, and joy. I believe in the light, and I believe that the light will not just overcome the darkness, it will heal the darkness, if we let it. Just like in that moment, when I was a teenager, so long ago, looking up and feeling filled with starlight. I believe that feeling, that joy is there for us. It's what keeps me going, really, those moments where I can just get out of my own way, and let the light in.

I am grateful tonight for those moments, and my own journey and faith that the journey is worth it. The light is there.

365-47: Can't Think, Tired.

I've been staying up way too late, not doing anything productive and just generally goofing off. So, I'm way tired and it's my own damn fault so I can't even whine about it. I will, of course, but you and I both know I know it's my own fault so feel free to ignore.

It's been a very hectic day. Got DS1 on the bus for his last day, including making sure he had fancy cookie decorations that were artificial food dye-free! Go me. Got DS2 to school, ran a couple of errands (turns out it if we want to send out all those cards and letters that I put together, they need this new-fangled thing called a STAMP). Went back to school for the preschool solstice brunch. Left that early to get DS1 off the bus, stuff some lunch into him and get him to the dentist where they pulled his first tooth! The grown up tooth was coming in behind and the baby tooth wasn't coming out. For some reason this just makes me think that this is SO like him. He was badly positioned in utereo and wasn't coming out then either. This amuses me, for some reason. Anyway, where were we? Dentist. Came home, worked on the hat I'm finishing for the preschool auction. Took all three kids to karate, then to the chiropractor then convinced DH to meet us out for pizza. It went as well as could be expected, really. Good pizza too. Came home, worked on the hat. It's almost done, but I hit the wall (seriously, I'm about 1/4 of the way into the bind-off) and I had to do the Tooth Fairy letter. Apparently the dentist's office told him that you get extra if the dentist has to "wiggle" your tooth out. *eyeroll* It's fine, all we had were fives anyway so he scored.

So, all that being said...I am so grateful today for my family. My little (big) guy was so brave at the dentist's office, my littler guy was so cute at his brunch - so proud of all of his hard work, and my daughter continues to delight and amuse me. My husband is pretty great too. :) It's not easy all the time, but every once and a while, it just clicks, and I felt like I had those moments with each member of my family today, which is nice.

365-46: Slow Down, You Move Too Fast

In this busy season, it's easy to get stressed out. It has really hit me since having kids, how much *work* it is to be a grown up. As a kid, all the wonderful holiday experiences we had magically appeared, courtesy of my mom, of course. But I didn't get that. Now I do. To have any holiday traditions requires that we not only create them, but that we sustain them. And that takes effort. This year, for the first time I think, both boys really are into the whole idea of Christmas, with presents and Santa and (for the first time), the whole baby Jesus thing too. We're going to church on Christmas Eve, I'm hoping they'll be in the pageant, all that stuff. It's weird for me, but I think it'll be good.

Anyway, I spent some time running around today, and just got totally overwhelmed and unable to make decisions. Do we need more presents? Fewer? Different from what we have? I really hate the materialism of the season (don't get me wrong, I'm as materialistic as the next person, have you seen my collection of diaper bags??), but really, the emphasis on BUY BUY BUY is pretty sickening. So, I'm trying to remember all that I have to feel grateful for. And to take a breath here and there and just focus on where I am, and with whom. My beautiful younger son sat on my lap at dinner and chattered away at me, and all I could think as I looked at his blue, blue eyes and rosy cheeks was, "How lucky am I?"

365-45: Sort of a day of rest.

We have cats in our household. We said goodbye to our wonderful L in June, and quickly acquired the boys. They're great, but they're not MY cats, really. I still have my A cat. I have had her from the time she was a weency little kitten, she came to me at about 6 weeks old. She's now almost 16 1/2. She's been a handful, my dear love kitty that she is. I think things are going downhill with her: she's very thin, she's got kidney disease and she's now started peeing on the bathmat. We just can't have a kitty peeing all over the place, so if it gets worse, we're going to have to make a tough decision. I'm not ready to lose her. She and L were with me through some very long and painful years. In some ways, they were the *only* ones who were there with me. They saved me. The thought of losing her breaks my heart, though it is, of course inevitable.

So, how is this related to gratitude? Even as I sit here, knowing I *will* lose her, and probably fairly soon, I haven't lost her yet. She's here, now, still herself, still okay. I am reminded, yet again, that pre-suffering really doesn't serve any useful purpose and only robs you of the joy that's available to you in the here and now. In this exact moment, nothing bad has happened. We don't have to make that call today (though I am calling the vet just to rule out a UTI). We don't have to say goodbye just yet. So, I am grateful for that, today.

365-44: 'Tis the season...

...in more ways than one! We are back from a lovely party with good friends! It's fun to feel like we really have a *life* out here! Most of these were women from our book club, and some of the men, DH included, decided they'd have an "after book club" club, the night after our book club meeting! I think it's an awesome idea, and I really hope they do it.

We're also slated to get somewhere around a foot of snow by tomorrow morning. It is New England, after all, and we do get snow on a regular basis. I'm hoping we can make it to church tomorrow.

So, lots of things today to be grateful for - good friends and gatherings where the kids all really got along, wonderful food, my amazing husband spending a good chunk of his day in the attic re-insulating, to keep us warm...

Okay, I gotta go to bed. I was up most of the night with DD who decided that sleep is for the birds, and I am *beat*.

365-43: Naps and Exercise

I have a long standing ambivalent relationship with exercise. I've done yoga for years, I'm a reluctant runner (just read Born to Run though which is fascinating!), I used to lift weights, I swim, I used to bike a lot... Recently I got turned onto Jillian Michael's workouts which ROCK. Today I am thankful for the huge nap that DD took, for the energy to work out, and for my hysterical son, who not only attempted to do the whole workout with me, he offered running commentary the whole time.

365-42: Whoa, where did the week go??

How can it be Thursday already?? It's been a very busy week, I guess! It's that time of year. I was out for knitting with the neighborhood ladies on Tuesday, I've got book club tonight, a party tomorrow night (if I can do it), we've got a party Saturday, a party Sunday...then next week we have, well, Christmas, and then we're off to DH's parents' house to party with the ILs and cousins. All fun stuff, but dude. I am TIRED. :)

Many things to be grateful for...and I'm glad to be reminded right now because I'm feeling a bit annoyed. I've had an on-going issue with Keen Footwear. I had some Calistogas that they replaced for me, and the replacements didn't work for me either...when I returned those, I requested the Saratoga II. They sent me an entirely different shoe instead, which was too small. When I requested a size that actually fit me, they sent the right size, but a different shoe (not one I was interested in). I finally got those two pairs sent back, and they're now telling me they no longer have the Saratoga II in the color and size I wanted. I know, I know, totally an RPP1, but still. I have my clogs but they're not as stable as I'd like, and these look so comfy. I really wanted them in the Soy, but it looks like I'll have the black.

So, in the interest of getting out of my petty annoyance, a list of a few things I am grateful for this week:

• The fact that I have a warm home, shoes, clothes, and all my material needs not only met, but indulged.
• The fact that I have a fun new digital camera coming to me tomorrow (birthday present!) *See item 1.
• My healthy children, my happy marriage.
• The dinner we're having, that I hope will be delicious (steak, roasted rosemary potatoes, salad).
• The wonderful friends I have here.

Okay, speaking of dinner, I should go get moving on that so it becomes the actual dinner we have as opposed to my amazing fantasy dinner.

1 RPP = Rich People's Problem: this calculator was very interesting for some global perspective on wealth.

365-41: The Sky's the Limit

My 6 year old son asked me to take a picture of the sky this morning while we were waiting for the bus. So I did.


We talked about how looking at the clouds moving along made us feel. He said it looked like a river, and like a truck had driven in the sky. He said it was beautiful, and he was right.

I am grateful for this moment, to get to see the world, the beautiful sky, not through the eyes of my beautiful son, but along side of him, with him. Thank you, baby, for being here.

P.S. I am really hoping to have some knitting content for you soon!!

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365-40: I guess the party had to end some time.

Today was a good day. We had church this morning, and for today, the 3rd Sunday of Advent, the topic was Hope. Our pastor gave a very moving sermon. Then my lovely ILs came to celebrate my birthday yet again! DH had my oldest off at a birthday party, and I got a nap while DD napped. I am plugging away on some knitting, we had Thai for dinner, and my ILs gave me a very generous gift which is going to buy me a new camera!

Today, again, I'm just so thankful to be exactly who I am, where I am. It's not perfect, I am surely not perfect, not even close!! But it's *good*, you know? I know it always changes so I am glad to appreciate the good days when we have them!!


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365-39: up late

I just got back from a lovely evening out with some good friends. I am so grateful tonight for the great conversation and the support of my husband to go out. Not to mention the margarira!!


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365-38: TGIF

And what an awesome day it was!! DH and I drove into Alewife together and took the T. I went and met a friendat her workplace. We caught up a bit and then I did a presentation for her interns. Then I shopped and bought a new "going out" outfit with my birthday money. I hit a yarnstore I really like but *gasp* didn't buy yarn (seriously, I have plenty). I met DH for lunch and had a delicious sandwich. I had a mostly-decent afternoon with the kids and got a Shred in. I picked up DH at the train and we had a very mainstream date: dinner out at the Olive Garden and then the movie 2012, which was fun and exactly what I was in the mood for! Sorry for all the dangling participles, if that's the right term. Now I'm about to go to sleep. Thank you, Universe, for a really really good day.

365-37: Three Days Worth Of Gratitude!

Whoops! It's a busy time of year, combined with a not-sleeping baby, and I'm not keeping up daily on this, am I! Oh well.

Anyway, so many things I'm feeling gratitude for.

Two nights ago, my daughter slept from 8 pm to 6 am.

We got about a foot of snow yesterday. My husband shoveled the first 4" in the morning, and then he headed off to work. Luckily there was nowhere I needed to be in the morning, so I did some shoveling in the morning and finished it after lunch. I had hit the top of the driveway...we have a long and sloped driveway. There was about 2 1/2 feet of snow at the end where the plows had gone by. I muttered a few curses, and reminded myself that I am grateful to have plowed roads, and being plowed IN is the cost of having a driveway, another thing I'm really grateful for! As I was starting to shovel, a town Water Department guy drove by, saw me working, stopped, and plowed out the end of the driveway for me. A small act for him, a huge blessing for me. So, thanks, Water Department Guy, you really made my day!!

Today, I'm feeling grateful for 40 years of life. I'm 40 today! I can't quite believe it! I thought when I hit 40, I'd feel...well, OLD. I don't. I don't feel young, really, I do feel like I've got a lot of life under my belt, but a lot more to go too. I think I've spent the last year, since turning 39, pondering my life, where I'm at, where I want to go. I think this year was in part about letting go of unrealistic dreams. Not dreams, no. I've got lots of those, and hopes, goals, and aspirations. I am a planner, you know. But more, realizing that there aren't the infinite possibilities that I'd always envisioned. There isn't the infinite time I felt I had at 20. Well, actually at 20 I was pretty sure I wasn't go to make it to 21, so maybe more like at 23. :) I can see the shape of my future. Not the details, of course, but a general shape. And I like it. I know I'm probably not going to sing on Broadway, but I can sing at home and get joy from that. I'm probably not going to be an astronaut, but I can watch my son learning about the solar system and that's amazing too. I will go back to paid employment at some point (don't tell me I don't work!), maybe next year, maybe later...Who knows how it's all going to unfold, but I'm sure it's going to be very interesting! To me, at least.

365-36: Monday Monday...

You know, I actually really like Mondays. Both my older kids are off at school, one (DS1) has a full day of Kindergarten and DS2 has preschool 9-1, so I get some DD-time, which is always delicious. She's a handful, to be sure, but I love being with her! We go to the chiropractor after drop-off, then hang out and do errands, and then go to her gymnastics class. Once we pick up DS2 from school and get home, we're home for a slow afternoon. DS1 is wiped from a full day, and needs the down time.

So, today...I am grateful for so many things: I'm grateful that my neighbors pulled their daughter out of morning care so now she's riding the bus with DS1 every day, and I get some chatting time with the mom. I really like them, and it's cool to get to know her better. I am really grateful for my kids - we had a nice day, not too much frustration. I am really grateful for a lovely conversation with my sister, and with my wonderful friend J (so maybe it's really that I'm grateful for my cell phone??). I am deep into fleece projects, which is SO BAD because I have knitting projects galore I should be doing!! But, I am working on grown-up mittens, and I'm futzing with a pattern. I'm re-engineering something I found on-line, it's a really clever design and I am trying to get a working pattern. Of course in the middle of all this, my needle on my sewing machine broke! So, while I'm so grateful for the fun, I am a tad annoyed that I can't be actually DOING it right now! Maybe it's for the best, I really do need to go knit on my auction stuff. :-)

I guess mainly I'm just overall grateful for my life today. It was nice.

FOs: Mittens!

Just in time, since we woke up to this! Not much snow, especially out where we are, we get hammered, but it sure is pretty!!



I triumphed over the mittens yesterday. There was much struggle and mistakes were made. The pattern, I think, assumes a higher level of pattern literacy than I possess. I used to have decent spatial-visual skills (I am good at maps, for example) but perhaps all the child-related sleep deprivation has warped my brain. Anyway. One frustration is that they only give you instructions to make a right mitten, and you have to reverse-engineer the (already) unclear directions to get a left mitten. Thank goodness my husband helped. So, the top pair are from the pattern, the bottom pair I just made up when I got frustrated with the pattern. They were very easy!!



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365-35: slacking off

I haven't been as reliable on this project the last couple of days, whoops. Sorry.

Right now, I'm sitting in my big, comfy green chair, drinking tea, listening to cheerful kids, looking at a fresh snowfall. I've got a nice day planned. It's a moment of peace in a busy life, and I'm grateful to have it.


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FOs: Fleece

Maybe it's the New Englander in me, but I really do love fleece! I love crafting and creating in general, and sewing and fabric work are always good opportunities for me to work on my perfectionism. I'm not a great sewer but I do have fun!

The first item I made yesterday, a fleece hat for my daughter. I am going to make mittens as well. I am really happy with this! I didn't top-stitch the bottom section because (a) I thought it was cute as-is, and (b) my top-stitching skills have room for improvement. This is a McCall's pattern, and was pretty terrible. It was on sale for $1.99, which was good. The cutting layout was just plain WRONG and I'm not confident enough in my skills to trust when I think something is wrong. I am quite sure that I didn't do the cutting the way I was supposed to, but it worked! It's a very cute hat and adorable on her, in my biased opnion. :-)


This blanket was going to be a Project Linus donation but there is *one* cut that I made too long and I'm not quite sure if it's good enough. I may put in a couple stitches, I don't think they'd be that noticeable. It's also smaller than they request but IMO, it's a perfect infant size. It's very much not perfect but it's cute and useable. My daughter is a little big for it so I'd live to find it a good home.


I found a gorgeous fleece in the remnant bin and bought dome coordinating fleece to do another blanket, plus some to make a hat and mitten set for a friend who is having a boy.

I *should* be knitting (or prepping the lecture on the Ecological Model that I've been asked to give) but the fleece is calling. I wonder if the fact that we're slated to get 6-8" of snow tonight has anything to so with it?



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365-34: Music hath charms...

Music has been a big part of my life for as long as I can remember. I played violin and viola, and still do. I love to sing, and have a decent voice for someone who is almost entirely untrained. I love musical theater, and it's one of my wistful dreams of a different life path. I've been listening to Wicked lately (must see) and loving singing along. I am so grateful today for the immeasurable joy that music has brought to my life.


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365-33: With a little help from my friends...

Today we had Kindergarten conferences, which meant, among other things, that the elementary school had an early release day. I needed to be there at 1, without kids. Hmm. DS2 gets out at 11:45 on Wednesdays (when there's an early release, it's complicated), and obviously DD doesn't got anywhere. My friend K and I hatched a plan that included her picking up her daughter and DS2 from the nursery school, the older boys would both come to my house on the bus, and she'd come here, we'd feed the kids and hang out.

K was one of my first Littleton friends. Her oldest and my oldest have birthdays about 10 days apart and are similar kids in some ways. She reached out to me during the summer of 2008, before we started at the nursery school and we've been pretty close ever since. She and I, and another friend, were teammates for the triathlon this summer. Today I am feeling grateful for having her in my life. She's a loyal and good friend, someone I can talk to, and count on. I appreciate her humor and her take on life!

365-32: A Moment of Perspective

We headed up to Nashua this morning to do some errands. I had pictures to pick up from our portrait session at Sears, and a little bit of shopping to do. We tend to do low-key present giving so I'm pretty much done with shopping for the boys. I'm feeling really overwhelmed with STUFF right now, so acquiring more STUFF isn't really an enjoyable prospect, to be sure.

On the way home, we encountered the aftermath of this accident. Our traffic was moving fine, but Route 3 was a parking lot going North. We saw the SUV being loaded onto a flatbed tow truck, the front end was completely caved it. It gave me a chill, clearly, it was a bad, bad accident. Tonight, I was thinking about it and looked it up on-line to see what had happened. Reading the description brought me almost too tears.

Life is fragile. Life is precious. While I'm not necessarily a religious person, for some reason, this bible quote* is just echoing in my mind for the families of those men, and for the driver too.

"The LORD bless you and keep you;
The LORD make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you;
The LORD lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace."
Number 6:24-26

I held my children a little closer tonight, and I'll give my amazing husband an extra hug and kiss too. And for all in my life whom I love, I hold you close in my heart tonight. Blessed be.

* To be honest, it's echoing in Morgan Freeman's voice as POTUS in Deep Impact

365-31: TJs

Today I am totally grateful for Trader Joe's, especially their tasty holiday treats.

My butt may not be so grateful bit whatever. :-)


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365-30: Kids

This afternoon I took all three of my kids to Trader Joes, and I didn't even have to! We had fun, it was one of the rare occasions where no one whined or got yelled at. It was just...easy and nice.

I am so, so grateful for my children. Baffled at times as to how I ended up a mom to THREE! I try really hard to be present in the moment with them, and my patience is a work in progress, to be sure. But it was so fun to just be with them, enjoying them.


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365-29: lazy day

Today involved many things that I like. Among them included:

• Going back to bed after getting up at 5 with DD (that part I didn't like) and sleeping until almost 9!! It's been YEARS since I've slept that late!!
• Drinking tea with real cream. Yum.
• Reading.
• Waffles for breakfast. Leftovers for lunch. And dinner.
• Another nap this afternoon.
• A walk down to the lake with boys, holding hands and chattering away.
• Putting up the tree and actually being able to put my controlfreak self aside and let the kids decorate it.

It's so rare we get these lovely lazy days, and today I am so thankful for it!!

365-28: Forgiveness

I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot lately, as part of gratitude actually. I'm not sure I can articulate the connection but it does feel like there is one for me. I read a quote from Jasper Fforde's The Eyre Affair that really struck me last night:

"You have a man you love?" asked Rochester suddenly.

"Yes; but there is much bad air between us. He accused my brother of a crime that I thought unfair to lay upon the shoulders of a dead man; my brother never had a chance to defend himself and the evidence was not strong. I find it hard to forgive."

"What is there to forgive?" demanded Rochester. "Ignore forgive and concentrate on living. Life for you is short; far too short to allow small jealousies to infringe on the happiness which can be yours only for the briefest of times."

I am an intensely loyal person, and I'm coming to understand that one thing I hold on to is pain. Not that I really spend much of my day-to-day life in pain anymore, but rather long after everyone else has left the room, I may still be sitting there saying "but...but...you HURT me."

Today, I am trying to be thankful for the journey I've experienced, as it brought me here, to where I am today and today was a really good day. I had wonderful contact with good friends, I had a fantastic meal with my family (made almost entirely from scratch by husband, by the way, who rocks), I had a lot of energy and go a lot of cleaning and organizing done, and my back was much better. So, like I said, I'm actually really really happy these days, the absolute happiest I've ever been. But thoughts of people I've lost, both dead and alive, to come to me more often than I wish.

This quote seemed really radical to me. Like what if the forgiveness isn't this whole process, what if it's simply letting go. Letting go with...love? Not love exactly, but thanks? Obviously, I need to chew on this some more.

In Traveling Mercies by Annie Lamott, at one point she's with a friend who is dying of cancer, and worrying about whether a dress makes her hips look big, and her friend says something along the lines of "You really don't have that kind of time."

It occurs to me that I really don't have that kind of time either. Not for worrying about whether my hips are too big, or whether the people who have hurt me in the past know it, and care. I'm quite sure they don't, actually, and really, what would it change? I'm happy, here and now. I'm pretty lucky, there's very few people from my past that I wouldn't welcome a hello from, and the others, well, I wish them all the best. Time to let go and move on. There's not enough time to be with the people I love here and now, why continue to worry about small jealousies or forgiveness.

This brings to mind a quote I put up on Facebook the other day, which I've also been reaching for lately.

Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
Viktor Frankl

And now I have to go lie down because I ate too much pumpkin pie. :)

365-27: Not Quite What We Planned

So, when we last left it, we were still going to try and make it to my hometown for Thanksgiving. Then, while I was folding laundry, I twisted the wrong way and something in my lower back went SPROING and OW. It wasn't quite as terrible as the thing I did a few months ago but it was Not Good. I wasn't feeling too nauseous anymore but a deep pain took over. I was still thinking and scheming about how we might still be able to go, when my DH took DD's temperature because she felt a bit warm before going to bed...and she was at 101. Armpit.

I gave up. I surrendered. Clearly, the Universe did not want us, my parents (who had been planning to come down here instead) or DH's parents (who had been planning to meet us in VT at my folks' house but got sick and cancelled a couple of days ago) driving this weekend and was willing to keep throwing stuff at us until we said OKAY ALRIGHT I GET IT ALREADY!!! So, we made the final call, and I cried. Pain, I will admit, makes me a bit of a baby. It's not that I can't handle it - I've given birth three times. I did 36 hours of hard labor before I got an epidural, I can handle pain, but it does wear at you and I was just so disappointed. I just really wanted to be home.

So, today, instead of driving and being with family, I've been trying to reintroduce food into my system here. DH took the boys off to the park for a couple of hours and I had a couple of hours to play with DD. We have had a completely low-day: no turkey, no stuffing, no delicious sides, no pie. I had plain noodles for dinner, as did DS2 (just because). The others had sauce too. I've spent a lot of time lying still, and my back is definitely feeling better. I'm hoping that tomorrow my belly will be up for a nice dinner, but if it doesn't happen, that's okay. It can happen Saturday. Or not at all.

I am reminded of those lines from How the Grinch Stole Christmas,

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling
How could it be so?
It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
It came without packages boxes, or bags!
And he puzzled and puzzled, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more."

Maybe Thanksgiving means more than turkey or pie, maybe even more than traveling to be with loved ones that you don't see that often. I think, this year at least, Thanksgiving means basking in that gratitude for all the blessings of my life, enjoying my family and home, and sending out that love into the world.

Knowing how blessed I am makes me want to give back, give more. I'm still not sure how to do it, but it's hard not to feel guilty for all that we have, when so many are hungry, or sad, or alone.

Blessed be, all. Happy Thanksgiving.

365-26: Sleep and Lack Thereof

Well, I'm feeling a skosh more human (okay, it's odd to me that the origin of that is Japanese, when I picked it up in the midwest), so I'll try to be less crabby today.

What I'm really grateful for today is that my problems really are all RPPs*. Not that we're rich, but compared to so many, well, we truly are. Sick kids? We've got good insurance so we can see a doctor easily, and get medicine. I didn't have to choose between getting DD an x-ray and paying my electric bill. I'm grateful for the fact that my health, and that of my family, is generally good. None of us right now are facing cancer, or diabetes, or any of the many conditions that can cause such destruction in people's lives. I'm grateful for my loving marriage, my amazing kids, my life.

I'll be sad if we have to cancel our Thanksgiving plans due to illness, but really, we can celebrate and be together other times, not just now, so it'll be okay.

*Rich People's Problems

365-25: no clever title

I got laid out with something nasty: fever, chills, aches, and for an added bonus, nausea!! So, I'm grateful for Motrin. And that my husband could work from home today.


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And on a knitterly note...

...which I couldn't include in that last post because that was about joy and gratitude and this is about annoyance and frustration. I completely f'ed up the Foliage I'm making. (a) Now that this is as much a gratitude blog as it is a knitting blog, I somehow feel like I shouldn't swear anymore. *heh* (b) The Foliage is for a friend, via the preschool auction (I got permission from the designer to knit it for the auction). I have *no* idea what I did, but on one section, there weren't the YOs needed to separate the leaves, and I was somehow a bunch of stitches short when I hadn't been earlier. WHO KNOWS??? Not me. It's always sad to me how you can rip out 2+ hours of work in about 32 seconds.

I gave up on the hat for now and started Just Enough Ruffles, the scarf that's going to go along with the hat (yes, I got permission from the designer and bought another copy of the pattern). I got the 200 stitches cast on, and about one and a half rows done before I had to go make my family dinner (AGAIN, sheesh, they need to eat EVERY NIGHT). I am trying a slip stitch edge just because I tend to prefer those on scarves.

365-24: A Moment Like This

(No, I'm not an American Idol fan, the song just was running in my head recently.)

We walked to church this morning. Yes, I said church. For those who know us, yes, it's something new in our lives (and probably would take more time to explain than I have space here.) We joined the local Congregational Church recently, and it's close enough to walk. We can walk through the woods down a big hill, up a big hill, down another hill and through a couple of meadows past some dogs and horses, and there we are.

As we were walking in the cool November morning today, DH was behind me, walking with DD (or rather, attempting to keep her from splatting on her face). I had the boys with me, each holding my hand. DS1 was wearing a sparkly cape, DS2 was wearing a tiger costume (he's been a tiger for years, but lately he's been Hobbes). The sun was shining, we were all together (and not even running late) and I just had a moment of pure and intense joy. It's so easy to get caught up in the annoyances, to feel unappreciated or just plain tired, to feel like it's all just so much *work*. I love those moments where I can simply *be* in the moment we're having, I can turn off my worry and impatience and just look at what's around me. I am so grateful that I got to have that moment today with my sons.

365-23: Yarn.

I auctioned off a handmade scarf and hat set for our little preschool auction, and started the hat tonight. She requested Foliage, so I got permission from the designer to knit it for her. She wanted the same color and yarn I did for mine, so I happily ordered more Malabrigo. This post is going under 365 Gratitude because I am really grateful for the truly gorgeous and luscious yarns that I am so lucky to get to work with! Malabrigo in particular is just delicious, and it's a joy to work with!


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365-22: Welcome to my neighborhood.

I love our neighborhood. We moved out of the city almost two years ago. We had planned to head much further West but reality set in and little things like making a living kept us here in the 'burbs. We actually landed out past the burbs in a rural farm town of 8,000 people. We are living in a townie neighborhood and we love it. No McMansions here! I feel like I have an amazing community of friends and support here, and it feels really good. I had an especially lovely conversation with my neighbor at the bus stop this morning. So today I am feeling grateful that we landed in the right spot for us!

And I am very grateful that my DD slept through the night and isn't that sick.


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365-21: Modern Medicine

Today I am thankful for antibiotics as my daughter was diagnosed with pneumonia. She's allergic to amoxicillin so I'm glad we have other options.


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365-199/20: Am I allowed to combine two posts?

I am a rule follower. I am really good at doing things RIGHT, as long as I know what the RIGHT thing to do is. I'm laughing at myself because I got all anxious about the fact that I missed posting yesterday and was it okay to do TWO posts in one today, and then I thought "Dude, it's MY blog, I can do it however I want to!"

So, we had another really little ugly incident on the bus yesterday - a little girl was mean to my son. Luckily he didn't even notice, and I ratted out the brat mentioned it to the bus driver and she talked to the little girl. I was just *reeling* yesterday. Like I said, I just don't understand people being mean simply for the sake of being mean. Okay, bus girl is just a little kid and we do all make mistakes and act...not from our best selves, sometimes.

And then, today, we found a note from the kid next door that reminded me, as so many things have recently, that there are really wonderful people out there too. Why focus on the ugliness?

And then last night I went out to a knitting group. A new friend invited me to join her circle and this is a really nice group of women, and I just felt really welcomed and god, sometimes it's so great to just hang out with WOMEN. I even started another Noro Silk Garden scarf, though I'm unconvinced that the colorways go together.

So, today I'm feeling thankful for knitting which has given me *so much* in my life. And I'm just feeling generally thankful for good people around me, and feeling so lucky to have so many.

And I'm really REALLY thankful that the Novocaine at the dentist today worked because it took them an hour and 45 minutes to do what needed to be done and it's really sore now. To feel that would have sucked. :)