Moving On and Letting Go

I won't even apologize for my silence this time!  I want to be blogging more, but words have been fewer for me, which is weird.  Until recently.

So, I've made a decision - I am going to try my hand at the photography business thing.  I realized - what is the absolute worst thing that can happen?  It's not just failing - God knows, I've failed in my life, but it's people knowing that I reached for a dream and didn't succeed.  And really?  That's the worst thing??  That's not only not bad, it's very livable for me.  And the funny thing, once I made the decision to DO this, I've gotten momentum on a whole bunch of other projects.

The big one is really trying to make our home *work* for me.  I go crazy sometimes because I feel like there's no space here that's JUST mine.  I share my bed, my bathroom, my room, my whole house.  So, in deciding to actually try and build a business, I need a dedicated space in which to conduct that business.  So, it turns out, the first step on that path is...cleaning my room. :)  No, really!

Our house is contemporary cape, meaning we have our master BR on the 1st floor, off the big open living space, and there are two ginormous rooms upstairs.  One has all the kids in it, the other is a combination office-play-room-dumping ground.  I had clutter all over my room, so this week, I really worked hard and got it cleaned up.  DH did his dressers too.  There's still STUFF of course, I have a bunch of stuff to donate, but it's all organized.  Next step - PAINT THE ROOM!  It's an antique linen right now, and I want it sage green.  I have an awesome friend who's going to help me do that. Next step - IKEA!  I'm getting an Expedit to organize and contain all my craft stuff.  It will have the desk, so I'll have somewhere to set up my sewing machines!  Part of consolidation is PURGING.  If it doesn't fit in the space I have allocated, it has to go.   I will finally have a place for all of MY stuff!

So, today, DH and I dealt with the books...we had 11 bankers boxes of books in storage plus way way too many out.  So we purged!  I have 3 boxes to go back to my sister, 13 to be donated, a big bag of recycling and a big box of trash.  This is something I've been "meaning" to do for...about 5 years now.  It feels, actually, like a really big deal.  I got rid of pretty much all of my eating disorder books. I got rid of almost all of my text books, pretty much all of my never-used self-help books, lots of junk.  

Getting rid of books is a really big deal for me.  Now, I have many, many books that are like old friends for me, they're comfort.  I kept some books that I may likely never read again, but that changed my life. We still have PLENTY of books, don't get me wrong, it's just the old and outdated that I'm finally letting go!  As I was sorting, I said to DH, "it feels sort of like I'm letting go of my identity as a psychologist."  It feels like I am shedding so much weight from the past, in order to make room for the new!

More ponderings...

So, yesterday was my last Saturday of work (until I change careers, ha ha), and it left me feeling meloncholy.  I said good-bye to two clients - one is a lovely young lady I've been seeing for a year, and it's simply logistics that prevent us from continuing.  The other is a woman I've been working with for about 6 months, but twice a week, which is a much more intense therapy.  She reminds me a lot of myself, though far more beautiful and cool than I ever was, and someone who's in intense pain.  She decided very last minute to relocate to the western side of the US, and I worry, a lot, about how this move will be for her.  It's hard, letting go.  I really don't like not knowing how the story will end!

Yesterday was also my husband's birthday, which we celebrated by giving him a mohawk.   And a lot of Lego.  :)  He's tough to buy for, that guy.

Today somehow turned out to be incredibly productive.  I went to church (amazing as always, I'm feeling so, so good about how this has worked out, our new guy is just incredible) and came home and DH and I have been CLEANING all day!  We're having 4 families over tomorrow for a cook out and party, and we got a LOT done.  We ended up actually doing some deep cleaning (SO not my forte), and it feels good.  I think I've mentioned before, domestic tasks are really not my strength, but I am working on doing better.  Today's sermon really focused on taking full responisbility for your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and it's a constant process for me.

It was also, interestingly, a day of letting go.  We got rid of all of our old straw cups from when the kids were really little, all of the scrungy water bottles, I went though all the plastic Ziploc stuff and got it all organized, etc.  That kind of stuff.  Normally I have a very hard time letting go of anything, but when I get into the zone, I just Get It Done, man.  I wish I could harness that energy and call on it all the time!  I also made a commitment to go through my diaper bag collection (which is embarrasingly large) and sell everything that I don't use, which honestly is most of them.  I'm going to do that with the strollers as well.  I think it's acknowledging the shift that's occurring for us with parenting - we don't have babies anymore.  No one's in diapers, no one rides in strollers, everyone is potty trained!  While I do love babies, honestly, I'm not totally sad to let it go.  I feel like we're hitting this sweet spot - DS1 is going to 3rd grade, DS2 is going to 1st, and DD is headed for her last year of preschool.  Everyone sleeps through the night!  They still like us!  They're funny and interesting little folks to have around.  I feel like both DH and I are really getting back more of US.  DH wants to take fiddle lessons.  I've got my photography class starting in 10 days (!!!!).  Life is changing and evolving in a way that feels really positive and exciting.