Freaking Out Just A Bit

Well, maybe more than a bit.

Looks like I'm going back to work! This is very good news - it looks like it's going to fall into place that I'll be working at a newish mental health clinic in town, so very convenient, the money is decent, they're willing to let me work very few hours on my schedule. It's all good, right? The one less-than-ideal thing is that I'll be working Saturdays for the foreseeable future (probably 2 years, on my 5 year plan, and yes, I do have one). But really, during the school year, that's not a big deal.

So, why am I freaking out? Well, I think the main reason is, it's change, and I. Hate. Change. I like things to stay the same, even when I'm unhappy - because, hey! The devil you know and all that, right? (Not that I'm unhappy at the moment.) Being a SAHM, while veryvery stressful in some ways, is also really a great gig! We have none of the stress of get everyone out the door (well, except now that I have two kids in public school, we do), none of the "hey, somebody's puking, what do we do?" Plus, in the summer, as part of my job, we go to the beach. I'm in a rut, really. It's a nice rut. But I think with my littlest one going off to preschool, it's time for me to start pushing myself outside my comfort zone a bit. I've been at home since June of 2003 - my job ended, I was 6+m months pregnant...and we knew that we wanted me home with the kids for "a while." It was really important to me that we do it this way, and we were so, so blessed to be able to do it (well, and we made specific choices to support that goal).

But now, life is getting more and more expensive, and I have this opportunity. So I'm going to take it. Yikes.

*Actual* Knitting Content!!

I Know. I can't quite believe it myself.

I have been way off my knitting game for a long time, months. I'm not sure why - I've been sewing, crocheting, living the busy life of a mom with three kids (I know, my friends with 4+ kids are snorting at the notion). For whatever reason, I've been off of it. I've felt, of course, guilty. Why? Knitting is my *hobby*, it's not my job. In part, it was a really rough winter emotionally, for a variety of reasons, and I've felt for some time that I spent much of it just getting through, and there was no energy for anything else. I feel like this Spring and Summer, I'm rejuvenating, I"m coming back to myself. I cut my hair, I'm working out more, I'm reading like a fiend (I'm currently obsessed with adventure memoirs, I've read 3 in the last 4 days), and I'm crafting again!

One issue is that I've had this stuff hanging around on needles for far, far too long. A quick search reveals that the first sock of this pair was completed in October of 2009. Oy. I hadn't realized it'd been that long! So anyway, this things have just been LURKING around, sulking in the corner. I've got two complete socks (of course that don't match). They're both vanilla socks of my own devising, but unfortunately, after so long, the notes I made about them are long gone. I'm treating this as a good exercise in "good enough." They'll match well enough to wear, right? So, I completed the second foot of 3rd sock! I think I won't try and turn the heel tonight, I'm really tired, but I'm feeling energized about them. I want to get all projects on needles completed (or frogged) and then I'll reassess.

(I'm just not going to mention the huge KP Crayon order I just made for crocheting baby blankets.)

Quick Saturday Update

Hey, have you heard? It's hot on the East Coast! We've actually had our AC running the last couple of days. I used to really like AC but the years with my husband have changed me. We woke up to a thunderstorm and 72 degrees outside, and we both looked at each other and said "OPEN THE HOUSE!!" It's gonna heat way up this afternoon, so I think we'll close it down again but for now, it's lovely to be sitting with the windows open, listening to the birds.

So, as usual, I was weak and helpless in the face of a yarn obsession and ordered the Crayon for KP. I'm really hoping it'll be awesome for baby blankets! I have a friend who's done some really nice things for me who is pregnant with her first, and I'm thinking of a purple and orange blanket for her baby! I know I'm obsessing over the different small granny square blankies, but the seaming and weaving-in-of-ends is defeating me at the moment. I'm thinking I'll be doing something more like a round or star blankie.

Back amongst the vertical.

Let's just say, yesterday was a tough day. I woke up, felt not great, and ended up spending the day lying flat and still. My wonderful husband shuffled work stuff and took over. He got A off on the bus to home. Poor kid had to stay an extra day because he threw up Sunday night, and he was pretty homesick. Hopefully it won't sour him on the program as my kids would LOVE to have him come back! He was a sweetie. He really bonded with my husband as well.

But anyway! So, we're back in business here. We've got an easy, mellow day planned, which is good, since my energy is low. I'm actually going to do some knitting, I think! I have to say, I am *loving* having slightly older kids who are capable of entertaining themselves and each other with fairly minimal supervision! I think I'm also going to order some yarn today. *sigh* I *cannot* get that silly crochet blanket out of my head, which means I Need to Make It for Someone. I have several friends who are pregnant right now, one of whom is very crafty, so I think it'll go to use! This will be different from the last time where I made a baby blanket simply because I had to make something from this yarn (in Painted Iris) and it ended up being for me! I'm thinking I'm going to order a bunch of Crayon from KP and crochet some blankets.

Ugh. What a way to end the week.

3 kids vomiting. Perhaps my least favorite parenting situation ever.

So we've got A with us for an extra day, since he threw up in the middle of the night, poor kiddo. I feel *awful* for him, and just terrible about the whole thing. I reallyreally hope this doesn't sour him on the whole experience!!

A couple of random musings...

So far our visit with A, our little guy from NY, is going really well! He's having what I'd consider perfectly normal homesickness, but he's also having lots of fun, and a good time with the kids! It's making me look at some of my parenting habits as well, specifically how much yelling I do...and making me think I need to be more vigilant about that. I don't think yelling works particularly well as a parenting strategy but especially with my oldest, sometimes it's the only thing that gets through.

I am feeling really good today - I ran at about 6:30 this morning, and the mist rising off the lake literally took my breath away, it was so beautiful. I love living somewhere like this, able to walk by water every day if I want to!

I went over to my neighbor's house last night - it ended up being five of us, hanging out and talking. I feel so lucky, I've gotten to know so many amazing women here. When I first had my oldest, my friends were people who had kids the exact same age as mine (and well, that didn't work out so well for me as my two closest friends dumped me when I had my second child!). Now I've got friends with kids around the same age, as well as friends with older kids, and there's not the expectation that our kids our going to be friends, you know, so it takes the pressure off! I feel like I get really valuable perspective from these women - their views aren't the same as mine on all things, but there's a basic respect and affection.

Okay - now I have to get four kids out the door so my daughter can go to her dance class!

Life with A, our Fresh Air Fun kiddo, Day 1

We all survived the first day! Apparently A was very, very nervous. His mom called this afternoon and said he "cried and cried" this morning. He seemed pleased to be here though, and he settled in with the kids very well, playing and having fun. During dinner, he got very quiet and seemed very sad, missing his mom. After dinner, we had ice cream cones and walked down to the lake, where he very much enjoyed that classic game, "Throw Stuff in the Water." We came back here, had every take showers, and got everyone into bed. An hour later, it seems to have settled down.

I think he's a tad overwhelmed - big shocker there! On a quiet day, my kids are loud and intense. Gee, I wonder where they got that personality trait from? Hmm. I really hope he has a good time and enjoys himself! He already told me that our neighborhood was "really different from Brooklyn!"

I am not entirely sure what to do tomorrow. In the afternoon, we'll go down to the lake (the boys have swim lessons) but we have a morning to fill...

The Endless Ikea Trip

I just spent 7 hours on an Ikea trip with my children. And I'm not even insane. :)

I needed to go to Ikea - we're hosting a Fresh Air Fund child next week, and needed, you know, an actual bed for him, and it's time to move my daughter out of her toddler bed *sniff* into her Big Girl Bed, so we decided to purchase a bunk bed. Of course, the one we have that we really like is no longer in production, so we got a very simple wood one. It was actually really cool having all three kids with me there! I feel like we're turning a corner, both with the youngest, who's now three and is just turning into a big kid, and with my oldest, who's so intense. We're using an herbal supplement to treat his anxiety and it's helping SO SO much. So, we got the bed, we got a book shelf, we got furniture for our new screened in porch, we got linens...we got just about everything! I was very excite because I got a lounging chair for me! I really want a nice wicker one with arms and a curved back, but they're...let's just say, they're not in my price range at the moment. So not only did I find a decent second choice at Ikea, it was $40 off! And the chairs I had really liked for the table out there (built by my sweetie) which I had deemed nice but too expensive, were $20 off per chair! I hadn't planned to get them but that seemed like a good deal to me.

With infusions of meatballs, mac and cheese, hot dogs and fro yo, the kids held it together so amazingly well! I think by the end I was more cranky than any of them!!

And now, tomorrow, I get to look forward to putting all of this stuff together!

Home again, home again!

We had a LOVELY 4th of July long weekend out in the Berkshires. There was swimming in the lake, kayaking, lounging around, drinking of wine, and lovely food. I am incredibly lucky that not only did I get an awesome husband when I married my sweetie, I also got a fabulous extended family! For example, my MIL was in the room when I gave birth, all three times, and actually cut the cord of my second son - all by my invitation. I know most folks don't have that kind of relationship with their MIL and I do know how lucky I am!

It is, however, SO good to be home! Today feels like our first real day of summer vacation! I'm hoping to get some stuff done, and to have some lazing around fun. I finally got my paper calendar reconciled with my Google calendar, and now I feel like I know where we need to be and when, which is always a good feeling. I'm not naturally organized AT ALL, so I often feel like I'm just barely keeping up. (So much so that I think it's time for me to explore actual ADD meds.)

I did some crocheting while away - I did another little bear hat, it's very cute! Probably the right size for a 12 month old. I find sizing always baffling - I feel like I take all these measurements, do all the calculations and get different answers depending on which measurement I use. Ah well, it's all for fun, right?

I'm now feeling like I really want to crochet a baby blanket!

Happy Anniversary!

11 years today!!

In those 11 years, we've:

moved 5 times

spent a year apart while I completed my predoc internship

bought a condo

bought a house

sold a condo

bought a car and a minivan

had 4 pregnancies and 3 births

seen me complete grad school and get licensed

seen him change jobs and find a company and work that he's loved and grown with

gained and lost 2 ferrets

lost the lovely Lula cat

gained the boy kitties

and all the countless other events that make up a life together

When I met my husband, I was 28, and recently out of a really, really bad relationship (think abusive heroin addict), and I wasn't looking for the love of my life. I was looking to make my life amazing by myself. Maybe that's why I was ready? Who knows. All I know is that I am thankful every single day that the universe brought this amazing person into my life. He's wicked smart, wicked funny, and incredibly loving and generous. He's got more integrity than just about anyone I know. Before I met him, I was able to articulate my relationship philosophy as this: "I want someone who thinks he's the luckiest person in the world to be with me, and who believes he deserves someone like me." It still takes my breath away that I actually managed to find that person.

Happy anniversary, sweetie!